The True Tales of Organization XIII
by The Cloaked Schemers
Summary: They're like a big family, only disfuntional, and more destructive. The adventures of what happens when they're not trying to obtain Kingdom Hearts. Crack much? Please R & R.
1. Renovations

Ammy: We don't own-

Terin: (pushes Ammy out of the way) Kingdom Hearts!

Ammy: Ow, my head.

Terin: These are stories of what the Organization does in their free time.

Sora: And I might even pop up once or twice! (Gets pushed out of the window by Terin) Ow! Terin keeps hurting people!

Terin: Well anyway…Please enjoy.

* * *

**The True Tales of Organization XII.**

Xemnas was sitting at his desk carefully constructing an elaborate plan. Okay the truth is he's just drawing a picture of his beloved Kingdom Hearts. But anyway, he suddenly hears the sound of a drill, men talking, shovels and the distinct sound of Demyx's voice.

He opened the door and yelled. "Cut that damned racket!"

The noise stopped till he got back to his desk and sat down. The drill and more yelling followed. Once again he got up and opened the door. "Shut up that damn noise!"

The noise stopped. The superior sat down at his desk and the noise started _again. _

Angered, he got up and walked out the door. He went to the source of the noise and said, "This door wasn't here before." He opened the door. "That blasted noise better stop before I-"

Xemnas looked around. Demyx and a digging crew were digging a huge hole in the floor of the castle that never was. "What the hell is going on here?" He asked. "I didn't even know this room existed."

"Oh hey Superior, I just thought we could use a pool here in the castle that never was, it gets really boring."

"No."

"But it's heated… and indoors!"

"NO."

"But haven't you always wanted a pool?"

_After ten minutes of negotiating…_

"Fine you can have your stupid pool, just stop singing!"

"YAY!" Demyx whips out his sitar and begins singing, "_We're getting a pool, getting a pool, getting a poooooool! It's gonna be blue, blue like the waaaaaaaateeeeeerrrrr!"_

Xemnas is closely watching every movement of the workers. "It needs more darkness."

One of the workers looked up at Xemnas for a split second, said "Yeah that's great buddy," and returned to work.

Roxas walked in silently, he yawned and rubbed the back of his 'I slept with a fan girl' hair. "What's with all the noise?"

"WE'RE GETTING A POOOOOOOL!" Demyx shouted happily. He came dangerously close to Roxas's face. He gazed into Roxas's eyes with a hard expression. Xemnas just watched the two.

"What?" Roxas asked.

"Your eyes. They're blue, like the water." Demyx said in a trance like voice.

"Stupid hydro-maniac." Roxas said. Number thirteen walked out of the room.

Demyx stared at the spot Roxas had been standing in for a few moments before shrugging and walking away.

DING-DONG

"I'll get it!" Demyx ran out of the room to the front door. A few moments later he walked back in holding a box. He attempted to open it, failing several times before Xemnas snatched it out of his hands and tore it open. It was a large sign that said in bold letters

**Welcome to our ool**

**You'll notice there's no P in it,**

**Please keep it that way.**

Demyx squeals with delight.

"You just think you're so clever don't you?" Xemnas sneered.

At that moment Larxene came in the room with a death glare on her face.

"What the hell is going on?"

"The hydro-maniac got a new sign for his pool."

"Oh... WAIT. We have a pool?"

"We're getting one." Demyx was grinning from ear to ear.

"Well the real reason I came in here is to say, Demyx if you ever get into my underwear drawer again I will skin you ALIVE."

"It was Xigbar, I swear!"

Larxene grabbed Demyx by the collar and lifts him up until his feet are no longer touching the ground.

"Yeah I bet it was." Larxene growled.

"Please, have mercy." Demyx begged.

Luxord walked in and looked around, confused. He shrugged and turned to Larxene. "Miss Larxene, I would like to inform you that Xigbar is performing a panty raid in your bedroom as we speak."

A large truck comes driving by and honks several times making it difficult to understand what Larxene was saying.

"Number twelve!" Xemnas yelled. He was insulted by her sudden outburst of colorful language.

"You potty-mouth!" Demyx pointed at Larxene.

Larxene ran out of the room as the truck begins honking once again.

"I'm going back to my office, if you need me, don't." Xemnas headed back to his office and sat down at his desk. He sighed from his frustration and continued his drawing of Kingdom Hearts.

"Superior is it true?" Axel came running in the room.

"What?"

"That Demyx is getting a pool."

"Sadly enough, yes."

"Why does Demyx get a pool? I want something too!"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"Yes."

"Ha! I got you! I want a…" Axel's voice faded so the last few words could not be heard.

"A what?"

"A room to keep my lava lamp collection in." Axel mumbled.

"Why the hell do you have a lava lamp collection?"

"They're cool!" Axel yelled in his defense.

"Fine. Call a contractor, you can build it on the sixth floor."

"We have a sixth floor?"

"Courtesy of Xaldin."

Axel ran out of the room to get the phone. Xemnas thought he would finally get some peace and quiet to finish his drawing. His peace was short-lived when Marluxia burst in and it rained flower petals.

"Marluxia has come to investigate a slight problem in the construction going on in the castle."

"And what would that be?"

"I want another flower bed!"

"You already have seven of those, if you must have something, be reasonable."

"Fine. I want a Disco Club within the castle, including a disco ball, colorful flashing lights, a bar, AND, cage dancers."

"You can use room 7 on the 3rd floor. You're going to have to find your own dancers, but I'm sure Roxas has some extra fan girls in his bedroom that would be willing to dance in a cage for you."

Marluxia left the room after throwing some more flower petals on Xemnas's desk. His shouts for Roxas could be heard throughout most of the castle, but everyone was used to weird stuff like this.

After Xemnas finished his drawing he hung it up next to all of his other blueprints and plans to obtain Kingdom Hearts. Basically the wall is covered with drawings of Xemnas and his beloved Kingdom Hearts.

Xemnas walked through the many hallways of the castle until he reached the kitchen. He reached into the cabinet and pulled out a box of Trix.

"Stupid kids, why won't they just let the poor rabbit have some damn Trix?"

Luxord came in and interrupted Xemnas's rant about the poor rabbit. "Excuse me superior-"

"What do you want?"

"Let's not beat around the bush, I want a poker table. Hell, give me a whole room devoted to my card playing."

"Yeah, whatever." Xemnas pours milk on his cereal.

"I'll take that as a go ahead and buy myself some new poker chips and deck of cards while I'm at it."

Xemnas rolled his eyes and ate his cereal, still rambling on about the poor rabbit.

Xemnas looked up from his cereal as Xigbar walked in with several new scars on his face, obviously from Larxene.

"Man, that really hurt." Xigbar was rubbing his head. "Hey Superior, what's all this about everyone getting new stuff?"

"Ugh. Tell me what you want and let me finish my friggin' Trix."

"Uh… Well I've always wanted a shooting range."

"Fine, leave me alone so I can eat my cereal."

Vexen came in and opened his mouth to say something.

"WILL THE INTERRUPTIONS, NEVER END?" Xemnas's voice echoed through the castle as he tossed his bowl into the sink.

"Well _sorry_, but if everyone else gets something, I want a walk-in freezer so I can, as Roxas might say _chill_."

"_…_"

"I'll call the contractor and tell him the conscientious news!"

_Later while Xemnas is in the shower..._

_"Kingdom Hearts come back to me, I should have never set you free, my baby, come baaaaaaaaaaaaack!"_

"Pardon me superior, but-" Saix had walked in on him while he was showering.

"What do you want Saix? If you're asking for a raise the answer is no."

"You don't pay me, but anyway, I was wondering if I could have an observatory."

"What would you do with that? Be a peeping Tom?"

"_NO, _I would look at the moon, and stars, and possibly we could find out what those UFOs are doing."

"I'm pretty sure that's just that stupid key blade wielder with a flash light."

"… You really need to get your facts straight."

Saix stood there watching the shower curtain. Xemnas noticed this. "OH WILL YOU JUST GET OUT!"

* * *

Terin: I really hope you liked it, there will be a part two so we can mention what everyone else gets for 'renovations.'

Ammy: Yeah! so please review! Demyx might invite you to his pool party!

Terin: Can you imagine Larxene in a bikini?

Ammy: No, but I'll say yes because I'm afraid of her.

Sora: So review, come on girls I'll be there in swim trunks!

Terin: Will you do the honors?

Sora: No, no, please ladies, let me handle it.

(Sora jumps out of the window)

Ammy: Such a gentlemen.


	2. Renovations Part II

Terin: Hi again, now we continue on our quest to make fun of the organization.

Ammy: We do not own the characters, or setting; however, we do own the plot.

Sora: Do you guys have a bathroom around here?

Terin: 1st door to your left, but didn't you fall out of the window?

Sora: Correction, I JUMPED out of the window.

Ammy: Enjoy!

* * *

**The True Tales of Organization XIII**

After Xemnas got out of the shower he wrapped a towel around his waist and stared into the mirror. His face lit up with an idea. He ran out of the bathroom dripping wet and wearing nothing but a towel.

Roxas was staring into a mirror fluffing his hair, Axel was flipping through the channels while fighting with Larxene over what to watch, and Lexaeus was reading a manga.

Xemnas ran into the room holding his towel on his waist, "I've come up with a BRILLIANT idea!"

Axel looked up and covered Larxene's eyes, "Whoa!"

Lexaeus closed his manga to look but quickly opened it back up again.

Roxas didn't even look up from the mirror.

"So is your brilliant plan scaring away the keyblade master with your hairy chest?" Axel tried not to look at his Superior.

"No, it's even better, instead of waiting for you idiots to bother me with your silly requests, I'm going to ask everyone what they want. How brilliant is that?"

"Dexterous." Lexaeus said.

"So Lexaeus, what would you like?"

"Comic Dehydrator."

"A what?" Xemnas asked.

"Dehydrates comics." Lexaeus said.

"I see… Very well then, Number 13! Get me a comic dehydrator!"

"You want a what now?" Roxas asked.

"Aren't you gonna at least put on your cloak, Superior?" Axel pointed out.

"Ah- yes. And then I must ask the others what kind of rennovations they want to make around here."

Xemnas ran off to Zexion's room. The little emo was reading a book in the corner.

"Number six! I have an important question to ask you!" Xemnas yelled.

Zexion closed his book and looked up at number one. "What would that question be?"

"What addition would you like to make to the castle?" Xemnas asked.

"We need a library if that's not too much to ask."

"Of course, a library, I'll get the phone, we'll have a new library in no time!"

"Pardon me Superior, but, who put crack in your Trix today?"

"What are you talking about?"

"There's something wrong with you… Did we obtain Kingdom Hearts or something?"

Xemnas sighed at the mention of obtaining Kingdom Hearts. He ran to his office and dialed the number for the contractor. After getting off of the phone he strolled off to Xaldin's room. He walked into number 3's room and watched as Xaldin slashed through his curtains with his lances.

"Uh… Number three?" Xaldin hadn't even noticed him come into the room, as he was too busy shredding his poor, defenseless, curtains. "Number three! Leave the curtains alone! What did they ever do to you?"

"They were too bright."

"But they were black!"

"Superior…"

"You need to get yourself a girlfriend." Xaldin growled at Xemnas for saying that. "Anywho, everyone is getting new stuff, I need to know what you want."

"Something I can destroy things with… terminate it into tiny bite-sized pieces, so I can gobble it up into oblivion."

"Teppan Yaki Table it is!"

_In Larxene's bedroom…_

Larxene was writing in her diary and saying the contents aloud as she wrote them while she was cuddling with her teddy bear.

"And then he jumped on me and covered my eyes, I hope he didn't see me blush, curse those female hormones."

At that moment Xemnas burst into the room.

"Number 12!"

Larxene jumped and threw her diary and teddy bear and pulled out a voodoo doll of Axel and stuck a needle in his back.

_On the other side of the castle…_

"AHHH!" Axel yelled reaching for his back.

"What's wrong?" Roxas asked.

"I just got this really sharp pain in my back. OW! My eye! My foot! Make it stop!"

"Creepy…" Roxas said as he continued walking.

_Back at Larxene's room…_

"What do you want?"

"As I've said, Kingdom Hearts knows how many times, we're getting upgrades to the castle, what do you want?"

"I want you all in your grave."

"I'm afraid that request cannot be fulfilled. Pick something reasonable."

"I want a lock for my door."

"Excellent! You can have twelve for all I care! I'm almost done! I just have one more. Who haven't I asked yet?" Xemnas started to count the members on his fingers.

"Oh my God, it's Roxas, can't you count?" Larxene yelled.

"Number 13!" Xemnas ran down the hall to find Roxas. "Number 13!" Xemnas turned the corner of the long hallway and saw Axel and Demyx dragging an unconscious Vexen on the floor.

"Oh, Xemnas, hi… SUPERIOR?" Axel realized who he was talking to and tried to hide Vexen behind his back. "We didn't do it I swear!"

"Yeah, Larxene electrocuted him and we were going to put him in this broom closet, right? I think that's what Roxas told me to say if we get caught." Demyx said and Axel elbowed him.

"You've seen Roxas? Where?" Xemnas was a little too excited for his own good.

"Um, yeah he's in the kitchen." Axel said hoping they would be able to get away with their current… 'prank'.

_Meanwhile in the kitchen…_

Roxas was checking the hallways to make sure no one was coming. When he didn't see anyone he walked over to a box on the counter that had the words **Property of Xigbar **written in bold on it. Roxas opened it up and took out a slice of pizza.

"Number 13!" Xemnas burst through the door.

Roxas threw his pizza in the air and dove behind the counter.

"Number 13!" Xemnas looked around and walked to the spot where Roxas had been standing.

Roxas stood up, chuckling nervously. "Look, if this is about Vexen I had nothing to do with it!"

"I have to ask you what you would like for an upgrade to the castle."

"….." Roxas thought for a few moments.

"You can't think of anything?"

"Nope."

"Well, what would Sora have wanted?"

"Hm…. Do you really want to know?"

"Yes."

"An ice cream truck."

"…." Xemnas didn't know what to say. Of all the things, an ice cream truck?

"I don't really want it, that's just what he would have wanted."

"It's settled then! I'll get you one right away!"

_A week later…_

Demyx is sitting in his pool flirting with a couple of fan girls at his pool party. Larxene came out of her room to tell him to shut up.

"Larxene c'mon in!" Demyx yelled to her and the fan girls glared at her.

"Do you know what will happen if I touch that?" Larxene walked over towards the water and threatened to touch it. Everyone cleared out of the pool except for Demyx. She reached down and touched the water with her fingertip.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA H!" Demyx shook uncontrollably in the water.

"L-LAR-XEEEEEEEENE! ST-STOP!" Demyx finally stopped shaking when Larxene lifted her finger from the water.

"That'll teach you!" Larxene left the room and walked down the hallway to the kitchen. She pulled out a box of sushi that was labeled **property of Xaldin do not touch or I will rip you to shreds like the puny little runt that you are! **"Whatever." She ate the sushi and then noticed a door next to the pantry that wasn't there before. She peeered through a tiny window and saw Vexen sitting on the floor, cradling a bag of ice in his arms and eating a snowcone.

Larxene left the freezer and continued to wander around the castle. She wanted to 'accidentally' run into Axel. She walked by another mysterious door. She could hear music that sounded like it was from the 70s. She peaked through the door and saw Marluxia doing the hustle.

Larxene shivered at the sight of his psychedelic robes. She shut the door and continued walking. Another mysterious door. She sighed and opened the door.

"What the hell?" Larxene stared at the room. White walls, gray carpet, and an ice cream truck.

"Hey Larxene. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da duh da da da da!"

"Okay first, why do we have an ice cream truck, second, why does the truck have it's own room, and third, STOP SINGING!"

"To answer your first two questions, I don't know, to answer your last, NO! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da duh da da da da!" Roxas sang. Larxene growled, "Okay fine!"

Larxene left the room after she fussed with the thermostat a little. She went up the stairs and found, you guessed it, another door. She opened it to find Luxord playing cards with a couple of girls she didn't recognize. Luxord looked up and continued to play poker.

"Who are they?" Larxene asked, even though she figured they were a couple of Roxas's fan girls being held hostage by Luxord. "By the way, he's not gonna ransom for you."

"What?" One girl scratched her head looking confused.

"We're not hostages. I'm Terin and that's Ammy."

"Hey aren't you the-"

"SHUT UP! We're playing cards!" Luxord yelled, "Your turn Terin my dear."

"5 aces." Terin said.

"Dang it, all I have is 5 kings." Luxord said laying his cards down.

"Wait! You guys are both cheating! I have 4 aces!" Ammy complained.

"That means you are cheating." Terin reasoned.

"How could I be cheating? The last time I checked there's only four of each type of card!"

Larxene got bored and walked away. She came to a door. Yes another door.

She opened it and walked in and soon all she could see was smoke and stuff flying past her. She walked towards the source of a loud banging noise and saw Xigbar holding a rifle. She ran up to him as he continued to shoot.

"I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME! GIVE ME THE DAMN GUN!" Larxene took the gun out of his hands and started hitting him with it.

"Ow! Stop it Princess!"

"DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT!" Larxene turned the gun over and aimed it at him. She pulled the trigger over and over and over until it ran out of ammo.

"Ow my eye! My other eye! Stop it!"

Larxene threw the gun at him and left. She decided to give up on looking for Axel, but she heard his voice and ran towards it. She turned the corner of the long hallway and ran into him.

"Ow. Watch it Sparky." Axel said rubbing his head. Larxene glared at him. "So what did you get?"

"Why do you care?" Larxene barked.

"I don't know, maybe it's just that everyone is off using their new stuff, and you're busy hurting me." Axel then carried on his merry way. After he turned around Larxene's expression turned into one of delight.

_Three weeks later…_

"Oh Superior…" Demyx said. "We want to show you something."

"This better be good, not another one of your shenanigans."

"No it's really good, and it's a surprise, Axel cover his eyes."

"Yes Mommy." Axel said covering Xemnas's eyes.

They walked him to the Alter of Naught. Roxas met them there.

"Number 13 is that you?" Xemnas asked.

"Sup. We got you a-"

"SHUT UP!" Axel said.

"It's a surprise." Demyx cooed. "Open your eyes."

"Um… it's a blindfold and Axel triple knotted it."

"Why might I ask?" Roxas said to Axel.

"I didn't want him to peek."

After a few minutes of struggling, Demyx finally got the blindfold off.

"KINGDOM HEARTS! I can't believe you'd do this for me! You have my UNDYING gratitude! I LOVE YOU!" Xemnas broke down crying and bowing to 'Kingdom Hearts'

"I love you too Superior." Demyx said hugging him.

"I was talking to Kingdom Hearts!" Xemnas shoved Demyx away.

"Uh… Superior, that's not actually-"

"SHUT UP ROXAS!" Axel elbowed him.

"I had nothing to do with this I swear." Roxas said.

"Don't worry Roxas, there's enough of my gratitude for all of you." Xemnas said.

"Well I don't really want any of that gratitude." Roxas whispered before slipping away.

Suddenly, Xemnas did the unthinkable, he hugged Axel. Axel was so surprised. Demyx's mouth dropped.

"Umm…Superior…" Axel said.

"Yes, Axel." Xemnas asked cuddling closer.

"It's just a blimp."

Xemnas let go of Axel. He looked towards 'Kingdom Hearts' and scowled. It was not really Kingdom Hearts, it was a blimp. "A friggen hot air balloon? You bastards got me a hot air balloon? Then made me think it was Kingdom Hearts! What the hell is wrong with you!" Xemnas's eyes turned red with anger. He pulled out his light sabers and started chasing Axel and Demyx.

"Hehe. Please, Superior we were just trying to be nice." Demyx whimpered.

"I WILL DESTROY YOU!" Xemnas roared.

_Downstairs… _

"They're probably getting killed right now. It's a good thing I bailed before things got ugly." Roxas said to Xigbar.

Xigbar ruffled Roxas's hair. "You're a clever little dude, dude."

"Uh…Thank you. I guess."

* * *

Ammy: Terin and Luxord are cheaters!

Terin: Oh quit your whining!

Riku: Hey do you guys have any paper clips?

Terin: Riku, get lost!

Riku: Sora was right, you are mean! So Ammy you want to go get some sushi?

Ammy: Are you paying for it?

Riku: Uh…No.

Terin: Come on Ammy, I'll pay for it.

Riku: Hey what about me?

Terin: Okay, come on, just don't tell Sora.

Sora: Tell me what?

Ammy: Yay raw fish!

Sora: I feel alone. Anyway, please review.


	3. Help us!

Terin: People! Help! Ammy has a temper! She's mad because you won't review!

Ammy: Review Damn it!

Sora: AHHHHH! SHE SET MY HAIR ON FIRE!

Ammy: Rawr!

Sora: Okay fine! Fine! I'll tell you how I got here! I went up the fire escape and used my key blade to open the door!

Terin: We don't have a fire escape.

Sora: Okay-okay I brought a ladder!

Riku: I'm sorry I'll pay for the sushi just don't hurt me!

Ammy: **REVIEW NOW! **Please?


	4. Happy Nobody Day Xemnas!

Terin: Hi again, we don't own Kingdom Hearts, yadda-yadda-yadda, but we do own the plot. I think.

Ammy: There are- (Terin covers her mouth)

Terin: Don't give it away, let them read!

Xemnas: Have you seen Number 14?

Terin: Shut up! They haven't read the story yet! What are you doing here?! Get to your office!

Xemnas: But I-

Terin: Office! Now!

00000000

Demyx was walking on the sidewalk, thinking. Yes believe it or not, thinking. Today is Xemnas's Nobody Day aka the day he became a nobody. Demyx wanted to get him a gift but couldn't come up with anything. He was heading to The Wal-Mart that never was to see if he could find something there, but he didn't make it there before he found something ten times better.

A stray dog was walking along the street sniffing some trash on the ground. It was a yellow lab, looking kind of pudgy, but cute all the same.

"Hey there fella. What brings you here?"

"Woof!" The dog barked and sniffed his cloak.

The dog didn't have a collar so he picked it up and started towards the Castle That Never Was.

As he was walking up the path to the castle he hid the dog under his cloak and leaned back so it was resting on his chest, he walked in and went into the elevator that never was. It stopped on the 2nd floor even though he was headed to the fourth. Demyx crossed his arms to try to hide the puppy. Axel came into the elevator with Roxas. They both stared at him.

"Are you wearing Larxene's bra again?" Axel questioned.

"Huh? Oh yeah, Larxene's bra, right."

"You perv." Roxas added.

The elevator stopped at the third floor and Roxas and Axel got off. Larxene was on the other side of the hallway and when she saw Demyx in the elevator she started to run.

"Hold the elevator!" She yelled, okay she screamed it but anyway,

"Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go!" Demyx pressed the up button repeatedly. the elevator closed right in front of Larxene.

"Bastard!" She yelled.

Demyx had finally made it to the fourth floor bathroom. He turned on the bath and pulled out a bunch of soaps. He placed the dog in the bath tub and started to give it a good bath.

About 20 minutes later…

"Okay, your finally clean. Now for the final touch." Demyx tied a big bow on the dog's neck. "Hm… Something is missing… I'll be right back!" Demyx ran out of the room. Demyx returned with a black organization cloak. He put it on the dog.

"Good boy!" Demyx pet the dog.

_Meanwhile in Xemnas's office… _

"Man, Demyx is the one who is making us do this whole surprise thing, and he's not even here." Axel complained.

The door opened and everyone yelled "SURPRISE!" but it was just Vexen.

"It's just me you idiots. Demyx is in the bathroom and he keeps saying stuff like 'c'mon' or 'good boy'. He's probably talking to himself again."

The door opened once again, and they figured it was Demyx so no one yelled 'surprise' but it was Xemnas.

Awkward silence.

"SURPRISE!"

"What are you doing in my office?"

"SURPRISE!" Demyx came in holding a cloak. "We remembered your Nobody day Superior! You will never guess what I got you!"

"Another Kingdom Hearts replica?"

"NO, it's only a billion times better, a PUPPY!"

"You got him a friggin' dog?!" Larxene said.

"He's so cute!" Demyx said. "Look at his eyes!"

"He is kind of cute, I suppose." Xemnas held the dog for a moment petting it his head. "Oh who am I kidding it's adorable!"

"What are you going to name him?!" Demyx asked excitedly.

"Um guys you know that's a -"

"Shut up Larxene, I'm going to name you…. NUMBER 14!" Xemnas shouted and everyone sighed except for Roxas.

"YES! I'm not youngest anymore!"

"We are now… Organization 14!" Xemnas yelled.

"Just because you got a dog?! And maybe you haven't noticed but that's a-" Larxene was cut off again.

"SHUT UP number 12! You're just jealous because you didn't get a puppy! Good boy. We love you, yes we do! Yes we do!"

"Whatever, if you guys don't care, then I'll leave." Larxene left the room and snickered on her way out. "Gender-confused idiots."

"Uh… guys, number 14 doesn't look so good." Demyx saw the puppy whining and Xemnas put it down.

"Don't you go on the carpet! Bad dog! Oh my! That is not… What is that?!"

"LARXENE!" Larxene heard everyone yelling for her, she knew they would. She ran back to Xemnas's office and laughed at the horrified faces of the men.

"I tried to tell you! Number 14 is a girl, and she's pregnant."

"What do we do?!" Xemnas cried.

"You get me some clean towels, you get me warm water, and you," she pointed to Xigbar, "go play in traffic or something." Larxene said.

Everyone ran to get the requested items, Xemnas kicked Roxas out.

"But it's a dog! I am not too young! This is not fair!"

"Why do you want to see it anyway?" Axel said.

"Cuz I hate being treated like a baby! You're watching!"

Axel shut the door. Number 13 leaned against the wall and listened to Larxene bark orders. (AN, bark, please excuse the pun.)

_Five Hours later…_

Axel walked out of the room. "Roxas, you will not believe how many…Roxas? Roxas are you asleep?" In fact Roxas was stilled leaned against the wall snoring softly.

"Now, now girls…" Roxas said in his sleep. "Let's not get to hasty." A delicate smile showed on his lips.

Axel shuddered at what he might be dreaming about.

Suddenly the door flew open smashing Roxas behind it. "NUMBER 13!" Xemnas yelled.

"Behind the door." Axel said, chuckling.

Xemnas closed the door. "Ah, Roxas. There you are."

"Ah, my nose!" Roxas said rubbing his nose.

"Never mind that boy. You'll never guess how many puppies that dog had." Xemnas started.

"Personally, I don't care." Roxas said with a sour look on his face.

"Number 14 had 12 puppies! So you get one!"

"Oh great! Like taking care of Demyx isn't a big enough responsibility as it is!" The teenager complained.

"Oh shut up, get in here, and pick one out! You too Number 8!" Xemnas said as he saw Axel trying to slip away.

They walked in to find only two puppies left, everyone was holding theirs already. Axel grabbed a puppy and stared at it as if he was looking for something.

"Uh… Larxene is this a boy or a girl?"

"That's a boy you idiot! And Roxas, yours is a girl."

"Dang it. You did that on purpose you b-"

"I'm back!" Demyx rushed into the room with a shopping bag.

"When did you leave?" Vexen said.

"I bought different colored collars, so we can tell who's who, and these were on sale… Mini Organization Cloaks!" Demyx pulled them out of the bag and passed them out.

"You're kidding me." Roxas said.

"BRILLANT!" Xemnas roared with glee.

"Dudes, what are we going to call them?" Xigbar asked.

"This here is Aqua." Demyx put the aqua blue collar on his puppy.

"How about Winchester for you little buddy." Xigbar said putting an orange collar on his.

"I'm going to call you Tsuki." Saix said holding up the golden puppy.

"Chrysanthemum!" Marluxia chimed snuggling to his puppy and putting a pink collar on him.

"Marluxia, it's a boy." Larxene said.

"I know, but isn't that a beautiful name?!"

"I love my new dog Frosty." Vexen said.

"Frosty? Number 14? Chrysanthemum?! You guys need to take some creative classes or something." Larxene said. "Since my dog is black, might I add, the only black one, I will call him Black Kaiate."

"Her name is Spade." Luxord decided, "Now please excuse me, I'm going to play cards."

Xaldin picked up his puppy and held it out in front of him. It peed on him. "Your name is lunch. I'm going to turn you into a tasty little treat and then chomp you up."

"You're not fit to own a puppy!" Xemnas grabbed the puppy from his arms. "Now you are mine and I shall name you… KINGDOM HEARTS!"

"Oh my- There is something wrong with you!" Larxene shouted angrily before leaving.

"Inu Yasha." Lexaeus said and put a red collar on him and walked away leaving the puppy in the incapable hands of Xemnas

"Mark." Zexion said.

"Huh?" Axel asked looking confused.

"The dog's name is Mark." Zexion repeated.

"I'll name you Rex. Not that I care." Axel said. "Okay Roxas you're the only one who hasn't named it yet."

"You know what? It's name is STUPID. Because this is STUPID. In fact it was STUPID hours ago. And you know what, it's still STUPID!" Roxas marched off.

"Leave him be, he's just being a teenager." Xemnas said as he patted Number 14 on the head.

"Okay, here's the rule, these puppies don't leave their mom till after 8 weeks." Larxene ordered.

"Larxene? Why do you keep leaving and coming back? Wait guys! We don't have any dog food! They'll starve!" Demyx said overdramatically.

"….. You idiot! They don't eat dog food yet, they nurse from their Mom." Larxene said.

"Huh?" Demyx scratched his head curiously.

Larxene smacked her forehead and left the room mumbling. Demyx pet his puppy before Larxene came back and shooed them all out.

"This is MY office! You can't kick me out!" Xemnas argued.

"Yes I can, now get!" Larxene locked the door behind them and brought all of the puppies down to their Mom so they could nurse. "You guys are so worthless. Who would want a dog anyway?" Larxene checked the hallway to make sure no one could hear her. "You guys are so adorable! Come here Black Kaiate! Good boy! Yes you are! Yes you are!"

"Larxene! Can I have my office back NOW?!" Xemnas moaned from the door.

"Fine! Take your damn office, see if I care!" Larxene trudged out of the room.

"Oh! My beloved Kingdom Hearts! And Number 14! Everyone get together now, let's take a picture!" Xemnas cooed over the puppies.

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Ammy: Yay! Now Organization 13 has puppies to love them other than the fan girls!

Terin: Though Roxas didn't seem so thrilled.

Ammy: I think Xaldin is unfit for any type of living thing.

Terin: You bet. We should keep an eye on him.

Roxas: Review and I might find a new name for Stupid.

Terin: Oh trust me you will…

Ammy: (peace sign) **PLEASE REVIEW**


	5. Puppies!

Terin: Thanks to those of you who reviewed, Ammy has settled down a little bit, thanks a ton.

Sora: Yep! And we put the fire out, my hair is A-okay!

Ammy: Enjoy!

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Larxene was standing in the puppies' room where they had been living for the past eight weeks, waiting for the organization. The puppies had grown quite a bit, but were still no bigger than a shoebox. When the last few nobodies came in Larxene started to hand them their puppies but warned them not to leave yet.

"You guys have a big responsibility now. Each dog has to be fed twice a day, they need to be house-trained, they need a bath every once in a while, and do not let them anywhere near Xaldin." Larxene said. "That goes for you too runt." Larxene pointed at Roxas since Roxas didn't even want the dog in the first place.

"Can we leave now?" Axel moaned.

"Fine!" Larxene shouted and everyone took their puppies.

Demyx took his puppy to his pool to try to teach it how to swim. "You are such a cute little puppy. Let's go swimming." Demyx put the dog on one of the steps so the dog could still stand up.

"Good girl. C'mon, c'mon lets go swimming!" Demyx brought the dog further out into the water, still holding it by its sides. Aqua started kicking her feet and splashing him. "Hey now, stop. Aqua!" Demyx noticed he was still wearing his cloak and it was soaking wet. He took it off to reveal a pair of black swim trunks.

He had let go of Aqua for just a second and now she was swimming away from Demyx.

"Hey come back!" Demyx chased her.

"Woof!" Translation: No way! You were gonna let me drown!

"Aqua! I'm sorry… I didn't mean to.

"Ruff!" Translation: How did you know what I said?

"What's that? You want to go see your brothers and sisters?"

"Woof." Translation: Oh… just a lucky guess.

_Meanwhile…_

"Woof! Woof! Woof!" Mark barked at Zexion.

"Shhhhhh! I'm trying to read." Zexion continued to read his book.

"Awwwwwwr, awwwwwwwr, awwwwwwwr…" Mark whined at him.

"What's that? Oh fine, come here." Zexion picked Mark up and patted his head. "You are very soft."

Mark wagged his tail and sniffed the book.

"You like to read too? But you're a dog you can't read." Mark whined some more and pawed at the book. "You want me to read it to you?"

"Woof!"

"Okay." Zexion started to read the book out loud while petting Mark. After 10 or 15 minutes he finished the chapter and went downstairs to get a glass of water.

It was getting late and Roxas had finally shooed the last of the fan girls out of his room so he could sleep.

"Woof! Ruff! Ruff!" Stupid was barking at him while he changed into his nighttime cloak.

"I'm going to bed so you better shut up."

"Awwwwwr…." Stupid whined. "Woof! WOOF!"

"SHUT UP."

"WOOF WOOF WOOF!

"You know what… if you're going to be stubborn, you're not going to sleep in my room." Roxas picked the puppy up by it's collar and marched out of his room. He stormed down the hallway and got into the elevator. He went down to the first floor and went to the large door leading to their backyard. (Yes they have one).

Roxas opened the door and set down the dog outside. He started to head back to his room and the dog followed him.

"Bad dog! Get out!" Roxas took the dog outside and set her down.

The door banged shut while Roxas was outside. He ran to the door and tried to open it.

Locked.

It started pouring down rain.

"Damn it! This is all your fault! If you had just shut up neither of us would be stuck out here!"

"Awwwwwwwwr…." Stupid trotted over to him with her head down and her tail in-between her legs.

"Shut up Stupid." Roxas said. The puppy looked at him with her big eyes and whined.

"Awwwwwwwr…" Stupid whined quietly. "Mmmmmr… Awwwwr…

"It's not going to work on me." Roxas stared into her big puppy dog eyes for a moment. "Come here." Roxas picked her up and held her out in front of him. "I LOVE YOU! I'm so sorry! Why was I so mean?! Don't answer that! Your name is Lucy and I LOVE YOU! You are so cute!" Roxas held her in his arms and the rain started to settle down. "You are my sweet little baby and I will love you forever and ever! Good girl Lucy, you can bark all you want!" Roxas snuggled with Lucy and sat down on the porch.

"Um… Sorry am I interrupting something?" Axel was standing at the door chuckling.

"No… We got locked outside because Lucy was barking and I-" Roxas was cut off by Axel.

"Yeah, sure… come inside. If you get a cold, Xemnas will try to cure you."

Roxas jumped up still holding Lucy and went inside.

The next morning Roxas left Lucy asleep on his bed. He went down for breakfast and came back up as soon as he could.

"Oh, Lucy, I'm home!" Roxas shouted.

"Lucy… come here girl. Lucy!"

No answer.

"Lucy, come out! you're scaring Daddy!" Roxas looked under his bed, no Lucy. He looked in his closet, no Lucy. She wasn't in his room. Roxas ran downstairs. "Has anyone seen Lucy?" Roxas asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"Well since I'm not fit to own a puppy…" Xaldin started as he set his sandwich down.

"I swear if you did anything to harm her I will shove both of my key blades up your-"

"Where is Black Kaiate?!" Larxene opened the door and came in giving them both dirty looks. "Xaldin if you lay a hand on him I swear I'll-"

"JUST because Xemnas took away Lunch doesn't mean I stole the damn puppies now shut up before I turn you into a dusk!" Xaldin yelled.

"Has anyone seen Frosty?!" Vexen barged in. "Xaldin if you did anything to him I will turn you into a snowman!"

"Can you say anything that isn't icy or snow related?" Larxene asked narrowing her eyes.

"I did not take your friggen dogs!"

"Where is Mark?" Zexion asked in is emo, quite calm tone.

"I didn't do it if that's what your asking!" Xaldin shouted.

"I wasn't suspecting you." Zexion said, "But now I am."

"You know what, I'm done standing around here, I'm going to ask Xemnas." Larxene said. She was followed by Roxas, Vexen, and Zexion.

"Stupid, people. Why must they think it was me, all I want to do is eat my damn sandwich." Xaldin mumbled.

The group of angry dog searchers were walking down the hallway to Xemnas's office. All of a sudden Marluxia and Axel came running down the hall. "Where could Chrysanthemum be? It's not like him to miss Dr. Phil." Marluxia said with concern.

"He's probably raping Rex." Axel said smartly.

Marluxia gave him a look. "Ah! Larxene! Have you seen Chrysanthemum?"

"If I knew I wouldn't tell you." Larxene said.

After a few minutes of walking around aimlessly, they got to Xemnas's office.

Their superior was sitting in the corner of his room, in the fetal position, crying his eyes out.

"Uh…Superior?" Vexen asked.

"Kingdom Hearts…" Xemnas mumbled.

"On no! Code blue! He's having a meltdown!" Marluxia yelled. "Quick, Roxas! Get a paper bag! Axel call the psychiatrist!"

"Number 14..." Xemnas whimpered.

"Hold up. He's just talking about his dogs." Larxene said pointing.

"I'll never find Lucy if the Superior is like this!" Roxas yelled.

"Don't panic." Zexion said grabbing Roxas by the shoulder. Roxas shrugged his hand off.

"Who's panicking? Not me! I'm not panicking at all! LUCY!" Roxas panicked.

Xemnas erupted into wild tears. "Where could they be!" He yelled through his sobs.

Suddenly Saix, Xigbar and Lexaeus burst into the room. "Have any of you seen our puppies?! We thought Xaldin took them but he made us think differently." Saix said with a shameful look on his face.

"Yeah, and it really hurt." Xigbar said rubbing a new cut on his head.

"Okay, so we know Xaldin didn't do it. So maybe we should search around the castle a bit." Larxene said.

"That's a good idea." Xemnas said. He got up and dried his tears.

The group searched high and low for the puppies. Even Luxord had joined in, he was worried about his puppy, Spade.

After a few minutes of looking under tables and whatnot, the light went on in Larxene's mind. "Demyx!" She yelled.

"What about him?" Xigbar asked.

"He isn't here! I knew it was too quiet!" Larxene said.

"So the idiot isn't here? Who cares?" Roxas said.

Larxene grabbed Roxas by the collar of his cloak. "He has the puppies you brat!"

Before Larxene could even set Roxas down Xemnas was running down the hall at full speed towards Demyx's pool.

"Okay! Good paddling Spade! Such a good girl." Demyx cooed.

"Bark!" Translation: You are strange.

"Come on Stupid you can do it!"

"BARK! WOOF! GROWL!" Translation: My name is Lucy you water loving bastard!

"Come on, I'll hold you. It's easy."

"BARK!" Translation: There is no way in hell I would let you touch me!

"Number 9!" Xemnas didn't even bother to use the door, he just crashed through the wall.

Demyx was so surprised that he fell into the pool.

"Number 14! Kingdom Hearts! Daddy is here! Come here girls!" Xemnas grabbed his two beloved dogs and ran off vowing that he would punish Demyx for kidnapping them.

Roxas opened the door and ran in. He immediately located Lucy and brought her into his arms. "It's okay Lucy Daddy is here. I'll never let that evil water loving man hurt you ever again."

"Bark!" Translation: Oh my hero!

Lucy cuddled with Roxas and licked his face.

Xigbar, Luxord, Marluxia, Lexaeus, and Axel came in and retrieved their dogs as well.

Demyx was alone with Aqua and Black Kaiate'. Suddenly the world went dark, like all the happiness had been sucked from the place. Larxene opened the door, her eyes a bright shade of red.

"GIVE ME BACK MY BLACK KAIATE!" She roared as she threw a few of her darts at him.

Larxene picked up her pure black puppy and for good measure she touched the water and electrocuted Demyx.

Then the world was back to normal and Organization 13 was happy because they had their dogs back. And Demyx learned not to try and teach other people's dogs how to swim without there permission. But we learned that that was just a load of crap, because a few days later he had taken the puppies for a play date. And of course because he took them he got his ass kicked by all the members, even Xaldin, but he just did it because it looked like fun.

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Ammy: Yay! They got the puppies back!

Terin: Yeah…I kinda feel sorry for Demyx though.

Sora: I think he had it coming. I mean you just don't take other people's dogs.

All three:** Please Review!**


	6. Ghostbusters!

Terin: BOO!

Sora: Ahhh! Don't scare me like that!

Ammy: BOO!

Sora: Ahhhhh! Stop it!

Terin: Please enjoy the next chapter of The True Tales of Organization 13!

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Demyx was in his room. He was filling one of his many water vases that he had. His puppy, Aqua followed him silently around.

Suddenly a vase that was all the way across the room smashed to the ground.

Demyx looked at Aqua. She wasn't anywhere near the vase. "That's odd."

He took another step towards one of his empty vases and the one he had just finished filling with water fell and smashed into little pieces.

_At that very same moment on the other side of the castle…_

Roxas was carrying a box of ice cream from his ice cream truck. Lucy was following him and carrying an ice pop in her mouth trying to help him. "Stupid Larxene, messing with the thermostat. The damn ice cream is going to melt if I don't get it into the freezer."

Roxas made it to the kitchen and opened the door to Vexen's huge walk in freezer. Lucy placed the ice pop on a tub of ice cream and walked out of the freezer and sat down to wait for Roxas. While Roxas was still inside, the freezer door closed.

"What the?" Roxas ran over to the door and looked through the little window. He could see Lucy scratching at the door and crying. Roxas wiggled the handle, it was locked. "DAMN IT!" Roxas yelled, but no one could hear him from inside the freezer.

The teen looked down at Lucy. "Lucy! Lucy! I need you to go get someone to save me! I'm locked in! And it's cold!"

Lucy barked and ran off.

"Wow. I'm relying on a dog to save me…I must be desperate." Roxas sat down on a bag of ice.

Lucy was running down the hall as fast as her little puppy legs could carry her. She passed Larxene because she knew asking her for help would prove fruitless.

Lucy turned a corner and saw Xemnas coming out of his office. Lucy stopped in front of him and started barking madly.

"What's that girl? Roxas is stuck in a well? Oh no!"

"BARK, BARK, BARK, WOOF!" Translation: No you idiot! Roxas is locked in a freezer! Not a well! This isn't Lassie!

"DON'T WORRY NUMBER 13! I'LL SAVE YOU!" And with that Xemnas ran off.

Lucy rolled her eyes and went to find Axel.

_In the freezer…_

Roxas shivered with anger and cold.

_With Lucy…_

The little puppy was still running as fast as she could when she heard the voices of Marluxia and Axel.

"OMIGOD! My Lava lamp! How could you! You threw that on purpose!"

"Why I NEVER-"

"Shut up, you threw your scythe at my wall!"

"On the contrary, I was trying to hit Xaldin." Marluxia said as he retrieved his scythe from the wall, picking off bits of lava goo and glass from it's handle.

"DON'T YOU ON THE CONTRARY ME! HOW DARE YOU… YOU… UGH!"

"That made no sense."

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU BASTARD!" Axel begins chucking his chakrams at Marluxia and lights the room on fire.

"You need anger management."

Axel forms a ring of fire around Marluxia.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAH-" takes a breath, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Lucy jumped into the ring of fire and started barking at Axel.

Axel extinguished the fire and looked down at the puppy. "What's the matter girl? You've strayed from Roxas. That's not like you."

"BARK BARK!" Translation: Roxas is stuck in the freezer you have to help him!

"What's wrong? You hungry or something?" Axel asked.

Marluxia pushed Axel out of the way. "Oo! Charades! I love this game!"

"BARK BARK BARK BARK WOOF!" Lucy made like a pointer dog and pointed towards the kitchen and then mock shivered.

"The North Pole!" Marluxia said clapping his hands together.

Lucy growled. "BARK BARK!" Translation: That's West not North! Roxas is locked in the freezer in the kitchen!

"Uh? The Himalayas?" The Graceful Assasin said.

_In the Freezer…_

Larxene opened the freezer door and grabbed an ice pop. "Hey twerp." She said before closing the door on the freezing teen.

_Back with Lucy…_

"Are you sure it's not an elf tied to a train in the middle of a four way stop singing Yankee doodle?"

Lucy looked up at Marluxia with the coldest stare she could muster. Then she got an idea. She grabbed Axel's red slippers and ran off with them towards the kitchen. Axel got up so fast that he slammed into Marluxia. Picking himself up he ran after the puppy screaming all sorts of horrible things.

Lucy laughed the way a little puppy would laugh as she stopped at the corner and waited for Axel to catch up.

Suddenly Demyx came running past the corner, he jumped over Lucy and smashed into Axel. "Ghost! Ghost! Ghost!" The hydro-maniac was screaming.

Axel pushed Demyx off of him and looked at Lucy. The dog was still waiting for him.

"Ghost! The Castle That Never Was is haunted!" Demyx started yelling in Axel's ear.

"Don't go yelling in my ear!" Axel stood up and dusted his black cloak off. "Ghost or no ghost you don't go yelling in people's ears. You could make someone deaf!"

Larxene walked by. She was licking the ice pop that she had gotten out of the freezer. "Hey. The twerp is locked in the freezer. You better go help him before his freezes over." She kept on walking without a care in the world.

Axel and Demyx looked at each other. They ran in the direction of the freezer as fast as they could.

Axel looked through the window of the freezer door, sure enough Roxas was in there more than half frozen. He and Demyx scrambled to open the door.

Finally they forced it open picked up the frozen Roxas and carried him to the living room where Lexaeus and Zexion were reading. Xigbar, Xaldin, Larxene, and Marluxia were arguing over what to watch on TV. Luxord was beating Vexen at a game of War.

"Quick Demyx place him right here." Axel said as he set Roxas down. Roxas's eyes moved toward Demyx. The look on his face said "If you drop me, I'll kill you."

"Now what do we do?" Demyx asked. As he managed not to drop poor Roxas on the floor.

"I'll stand him up right you… Go find a chisel and a hammer." Demyx ran off.

"Hey Roxas what happened? Did you get in a fight with Vexen?" Xigbar said mockingly. You could almost hear Roxas growl.

"Oh yes! That reminds me Axel! I figured out what Lucy was trying to tell us! She was saying that Roxas was locked in the Freezer! Isn't it grand? I win!" Marluxia said. He leaned on Roxas's ice block.

Axel slapped his forehead. He looked down at Roxas. "Don't worry buddy, Demyx and I will get ya out!" He started to melt the ice off Roxas's feet.

Demyx came up and started to chip ice off of him head. This worked quite well till he hit the chisel to hard and broke off a chunk of Roxas's hair.

"It's a good thing his arms are still frozen." Axel said over the laughter of the other members.

After a while Demyx felt like his arms were about to fall off, so they lit a fire and laid Roxas next to it so he could finish defrosting. Roxas could talk now which wasn't necessarily a good thing…

A truck came down the street and started honking when Roxas opened his mouth.

"You (honk, honk, honk) my (honk) hair (honk, honk) you (honk, honk)" Roxas took a deep breath and tried to wiggle his arms free.

"So how did you get stuck in there?" Axel asked.

"I went to put some ice-cream in the freezer since Larxene turned up the thermostat in the ice-cream truck room, so I-I just walked in and set it down and the freezer door just shut and I couldn't get out."

"It was the ghost!" Demyx blurted out. "I told you the castle's haunted!"

"No it's not, Lucy probably just hit the door by accident." Larxene reasoned.

"How do you explain the vases falling down in my room!"

"Mini earthquake? I don't know, and I don't care." Larxene said.

Axel went into the kitchen and opened the fridge, he ate some of Xaldin's sushi and then heard a banging coming from the ceiling. He looked up and didn't see anything, so he tried to ignore it. It got louder and louder and then stopped suddenly. Axel turned around when he heard the faucet turn on, but no one was there. Axel walked over to turn it off and then went back to the fridge. There was only one piece of sushi left!

_In Saix's observatory…_

"Damn it! Where has she gone… god, does she just never change clothes? Just sleeps with…" Saix turned around when he heard a creaking noise behind him. "What was that? Hello… Is anyone there?" Saix stepped outside of his observatory and looked around.

He shrugged and walked down the long hall towards the elevator. A painting that was hanging on the wall fell at Saix's feet. He stopped and stared at the wall for a moment then continued walking. A flower pot shook and then fell down getting dirt on his shoes. He continued walking. He walked past a couple of paintings that didn't fall and then… just before he stepped in the way, a 500 pound bookcase fell down and landed on his foot.

"Ow. GHOST!" Saix ran to tell Xemnas

"GHOST!" Axel and burst into Xemnas's office, "There was this creaking in the ceiling and then the water turned on so I turned it off and then the sushi was gone! It was a ghost!"

Saix screamed in his face, "First she wouldn't take off her clothes then the wall was creaking and then the painting fell and then the flower pot and then the bookcase and OW, THE GHOST GAVE ME A BOO-BOO!" Saix started sobbing uncontrollably.

"AHHHHHHHH! I'm ghostlyphobic! Warn everyone! We must hire some experts to take care of this!"

"No worries Superior." Demyx threw the door open and squished the still sobbing Saix behind it. "The Ghostbusters are already here."

Demyx pointed to himself, Axel, and Roxas who was standing behind him.

"When did I agree to this?" Roxas asked.

Axel leaned over to Roxas. "When we decided to be his friends, we must have signed a legal contract or something." He whispered.

And thus the hunt of the ghost began!

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Ammy: Who ya gonna call?

Terin: Ghostbusters!

Lucy: BARK RUFF BARK WOOF! (Translation: Three reviews or you'll never see Sora again!)

_Somewhere in an abandoned warehouse…_

"Help? Please fan girls? It's dark and scary in here. Kairi? Riku? (high pitched squeak) Roxas?"


	7. Ghostbusters Part II

Terin & Ammy: Please review!

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"Who you gonna call?!"

"Ghostbusters!"

"Who you gonna call?!"

"Ghostbusters."

Who you gonna call?!"

"Ghostbusters."

"Who you gonna call?!"

"Is that the only part you know?" Axel asked.

"No…Yes." Demyx hung his head in shame for a moment. "Okay guys, what's our plan?"

"How about we… Ditch and let someone else worry about the ghost." Roxas suggested.

"NO. We HAVE to do this, we're the Ghostbusters!" Demyx said.

"Really?"

"Really, really." Demyx stood there picking his nose for a moment. "Okay, where should we start first?"

Axel set down the vacuum and checked his watch. "How about the kitchen. I'm starving."

"That's genius!" Demyx shouted.

"Uh… why?" Axel said.

"We make sandwiches to lure out the ghosts!" Demyx explained.

"Yeah, because ghosts eat sandwiches." Roxas said rolling his eyes.

"Okay guys! Lets go!" Demyx dragged them to the kitchen. Demyx searched through the fridge frantically. "Where's the turkey?" Demyx turned to see Roxas with a handful of sliced deli counter turkey half way to his mouth.

Demyx flung himself at Roxas and wrestled the turkey out of his hands. He fixed up a triple Decker sandwich putting the ingredients in this exact order: mustard, mayonnaise, Swiss cheese, Colby Jack, turkey, salami, honey roasted ham, jalapenos, lettuce, carrot peelings, dill pickles, and topped off with a big glob of peanut butter.

"Are you done yet?" Roxas moaned.

"I have to cut off the crusts. Ghosts hate crusts."

Demyx laid the sandwich down gently on a Santa Clause plate.

Demyx took the plate and gestured for Axel and Roxas to follow. The doorbell rang and Demyx ran to answer it. They followed Demyx to the door. A man handed Demyx a large box and had him sign his name about fifteen times.

"And initial here. Okay good to go." The man turned and left.

Demyx ripped open the box with his teeth and pulled out a very ordinary looking rope.

"It's special ghost catching rope. I read about it on howtocatchaghost the educational ghost catching website. It was invented by Eliza Lot, the founder of howtocatchaghost. It's supposed to glow in the eyes of an apparition, which sends powerful curiosity surges through the ghostly mind causing it to get excited and notice the sandwich, Santa, and any other offerings we can lure it with."

"Really?" Roxas asks hoping he won't get an answer.

"And just what do you propose we do once we catch the ghost?" Axel said running a hand through his porcupine hair.

"I don't know I'll have to google it." Demyx shrugged and walked to the elevator. "We're gonna set the trap in the place the ghost was most recently seen."

Demyx stepped out of the elevator to the floor where Saix had nearly been crushed by a bookcase. He sat the sandwich down on the ground and tied one end of the rope to a bag filled with who-knows-what, and the other end into a small loop. He put the rope through a hook on the ceiling and laid it accordingly in front of the sandwich.

"That oughta do it!" Demyx clapped his hands together and stared admiringly at his handy work.

"Now what?" Axel said.

"We order pizza and watch TV until we hear the ghost begging for mercy."

"Fine by me." Axel picked up the phone and ordered pizza. They went to the first floor and turned on the TV.

_About five minutes later…_

Xemnas was walking through the halls, his stomach growling monstrously. He turned a corner of one of the many, many long hallways of the castle.

Then Xemnas noticed a sandwich. Not just a sandwich. No, this sandwich was perfectly proportionate in all of it's ingredients. The many meats balanced out the assorted cheeses, there was a perfect amount of condiments, there was a glob of peanut butter on top, AND the crust was cut off. It was absolutely beautiful in the eyes of such a hungry nobody.

Xemnas rubbed his cloaked belly. He leapt towards the sandwich but before he could reach it, he suddenly jolted up to the ceiling by his ankle. His hood fell over his face.

In shock Xemnas screamed the girliest scream you had EVER heard. Seriously ever.

Xaldin, coming from the opposite direction that Xemnas had, noticed the sandwich and teleported it into his hands. He smacked his lips.

"Hey superior." Xaldin turned the other way and ate the sandwich.

Demyx, Axel, and Roxas came running to see what had screamed.

"It's the ghost! We caught a ghost! We caught a ghost!" Demyx jumped up and down.

"EEEEEEEEEEP!" Axel jumped back at the sight while Roxas chuckled.

"I'm not a ghost! What is the meaning of this?!"

"He's playing the innocent trick on us. Sorry ghosty, I already know that one." Demyx crossed his arms and grinned.

"What's up superior?" Roxas asked.

"Oh just hanging around. GET ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!"

"Yes sir!" Roxas pulled out his pocket knife and cut the rope. (Roxas is a trained professional; do not attempt at home.)

The rope snapped and Xemnas came crashing to the ground. "You idiot!" he was addressing Demyx. The hydro-maniac cringed. "I can't believe you would tie up your own boss! After I feed you and provide a home for you! This is how you repay me?"

"OW!" Axel yelled. "OW! Oh God, what the hell is with the pain?" He started to rub his lower back.

"It's the ghost! It wants revenge!" Demyx screamed in terror.

_In Larxene's room…_

Larxene opened her chest of drawers. She wanted to take out her voodoo doll of Xigbar and get back at him for the panty raid. She found a small, furry, white bunny rabbit chewing on voodoo Axel's butt. She picked it up by the scruff of it's neck and thought about zapping it for chewing on her Axel voodoo doll, but then she thought better of it.

She walked out of her room and headed down the hall were she heard Xemnas chewing out Demyx.

Axel was feeling better, the pain in his back was gone and he was laughing so hard at Demyx.

"Hey. I hate to break up a shouting match but I found the ghost." Larxene said. She held up the rabbit for them all to see.

Demyx ran over and grabbed the bunny from her. "Aw…It's the cutest ghost I've ever seen!"

"Listen stupid, there never was a ghost. Just a little pest causing trouble." Larxene's eyes grew dark.

Demyx squealed like a little girl and hid behind Xemnas. The Superior turned around and looked at the bunny. "All this trouble because of a rodent!" He yelled.

The little bunny cringed and snuggled into Demyx's embrace. "Superior! Don't be so mean. He's scared and sad." Demyx held the bunny out. "Come on Superior, give him a kiss."

"I'm not…" Xemnas looked into his little, red, bunny eyes and then he picked it up and started to pet him. "Hm…You are soft." he said, then he kissed it on the top of the head.

After that they went to tell everyone that there really was no ghost. What they didn't find out was how the bunny got there. But we'll let you in on the secret.

_Outside of the Castle…_

King Mickey snickered and placed another rabbit into the air vent.

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Terin & Ammy: Thanks for reading!


	8. WTNWNBN

Sora fixed his expensive tie and tapped his papers on the desk. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "We now interrupt your regularly scheduled fan fiction to uh… uh… Here's Ammy with the weather!"

The camera turns to the right and Ammy is standing in front of a map of The world that never was.

"Hehe… I forgot my pointer stick. I'll be right back!"

The lights turn off and the camera WOMAN (Terin) turns on a flashlight and starts making little bunnies with her hand.

The camera begins shaking vigorously.

"OW! What was that for?!"

The lights turn back on and Ammy is standing in front of the map, her pointer stick is broken in half. She hides it behind her back. "As you can see we have a 95 percent chance of darkness and some mild showers. Back to Sora."

"Thank you Ammy. Today we would like to inform you of some of the offensive nature of vegetables. If you are of a delicate nature, please leave the room. Now to a live interview of a leafy green terror's victim."

Live

Tifa was holding out a microphone asking Cloud questions.

"Can you tell me what he said to you, exactly?"

"He said- he said-" Cloud took a deep breath and wiped a tear from his eye, "BROCCOLI!" Cloud threw his hands in the air and ran away screaming.

"And there you have it folks. Just one of the traumatized victims, out of many, many more. Back to you Sora."

"Thank you Tifa. Now we'll listen to a live recording."

"If it's a recording, it isn't live." Terin pointed out.

"Shut up, Nobody asked you!" Sora straightened his tie and went back to his professional state.

Non-Live Recording

Kairi, Kairi, open your eyes!

It's no use that girl has lost her broccoli. She cannot wake up. The salad can not be completed so long as the last princess of veggies still sleeps.

The princess? Kairi's a princess?

Yes and without her broccoli the salad will remain incomplete. It is time she awakened.

Whoever you are, let Riku go! Give him back his broccoli!

But first you must give the princess back her broccoli.

What's…

Don't you see yet?! The princess's broccoli is responding. It has been there all along. Kairi's broccoli rests within you!

Kairi… Kairi's broccoli is inside me?

I know all there is to know.

Tell me who are you?

It is I, Ansem, the seeker of veggies… So I shall release you now, princess. Complete the salad with your power. Open the door and lead me into everlasting vegetables!

Sora!

Forget it. There's no way your taking Kairi's broccoli!

End of Recording

Sora is crying his eyes out. "Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you now know the truth behind vegetables. Please join us next time for our segment on Tic-Tacs: The Truth Behind the Evil, Minty fresh lies!"

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Xemnas turned off the T.V in disgust. He left the room, munching on a piece of celery.


	9. The Walmart that Never Was

Ammy: Yo!

Terin: Roll the prices back!

Ammy: Because it's time for-

Terin: Organization XIII in Walmart!

Sora: Rolling, rolling, rolling, keep them prices rolling! Rawhide!

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Xemnas liked to get up late on Saturdays. On said Saturdays he would skip down to the kitchen, open up the cabinet and pour himself a big bowl of Trix.

Today was a Saturday, today, honorable number one was looking forward to his morning bowl of Trix. When he bounded into the kitchen, still in his feety pajamas, he opened up the cabinet to see nothing.

The cabinet was empty.

_At that very moment…_

"I shouldn't love you but I want to, I can't turn away…" Roxas sung a few bars of a song as he rubbed his hair dry with a towel. He took his right hand and would have placed it in a tub of hair gel, to find, that there was no hair gel. The teen started to panic…

_At the same time…_

Marluxia hummed a song as he prepared to care for his plants. He filled his watering can and walked to the shed to get fertilizer. Happily, he opened the shed door to see three empty bags of fertilizer.

_Just then!_

Larxene was also out of _dun-dun-dun _feminine supplies.

Ammy: Oh dear…

Terin: You better back up…

The three bathroom doors flew open and Xemnas hit his knees. _**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO!" **_All four of them roared loud enough to shake all of The World That Never Was.

Marluxia dropped the watering can and ran inside. Roxas pulled on his clothes and ran down the hall to the kitchen still trying to get on his black cloak. Larxene ran down the hall and pushed Roxas down as she ran to the kitchen. Roxas got up and ran after her.

The three organization members burst into the room.

"I'm out of fertilizer!"

"I'm out of hair gel!"

"And I am out of- never mind!" Larxene withdrew to the back of the room.

"And I am out of Trix! Has the world gone mad!? How am I suppose to get my daily recommended amount of fruit!?" Xemnas screamed. As always, placing his needs above everyone else's.

"But, uh…Superior, there is no fruit in Trix. They aren't even shaped like fruit anymore." Roxas pointed out.

"Don't back sass me boy!" Xemnas shouted.

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All of Organization XIII was gathered in the living room. Xemnas was standing in front of the TV. Pacing back and forth he started to address his Organization.

"As you all know, we, the fine members of this organization, are faced with a dilemma. This, my friends, is no ordinary problem. We are currently out of Trix. The greatest breakfast food ever invented by man kind."

"We're also out of hair gel." Roxas said.

"And fertilizer." Marluxia added.

"Yes, yes, that too. But! As I was saying, we are faced with a mission so dear, that I don't think Roxas will make it out alive."

"What do you mean!?" Roxas stood up angrily. He was, of course, unheard.

"Just spit it out, what's the game plan?" Luxord asked.

"We must make a trip… To The Walmart That Never Was."

"You're kidding right?" Vexen asked.

"Do we all have to go?" Zexion crossed his arms.

"No, unfortunately, one of us will have to stay behind to hold down the fort."

Zexion started to raise his hand.

"Lexaeus will stay behind." Xemnas stated.

"Damn." Zexion whispered.

"Alright here's the plan!" Xemnas shouted as he pointed to a map of Walmart. "I will head right to the cereal aisle to secure the precious cargo. Roxas, Axel, Demyx, and their chaperone Xaldin will go and secure the needed hair care products. Marluxia, Vexen, Zexion, Luxord, Larxene and Xigbar will go and obtain the fertilizer and then make a run for dog food. We rendezvous at the self check-out and then make a pit stop at McDonalds. We all have our assignment! To the Organization XIII bus!"

Xemnas ran outside. Everyone else went at a rather slow pace.

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After much screaming and pleading the ride to Walmart was finally over.

Xemnas led the rest of the Organization off the bus and through the parking lot. He was mumbling to himself about why he lives with such wimps. He just grazed that van! He wasn't going to hit it! Of course that traffic cop didn't exactly agree.

Once inside Xemnas scoped the battle field. He inhaled deeply. "Do you smell that team? It smells like discount shopping."

"I dunno know. I smell something, but I don't think it's the shopping." Axel whispered into Roxas' ear.

"Okay! We all know what to do! Stick to the plan and we will survive this! Good luck!" Xemnas got himself a cart and headed off to the dry food aisle.

The ones that Xemnas had left behind all looked at each other.

Axel and Demyx both jumped on the handicapped carts and raced down the aisle. Zexion headed for the book aisle. Roxas sulked his way over to the hair style products. Larxene grabbed a cart and headed for the ladies… ahem, toiletries. Xigbar left to check on the ammunition supply. Xaldin stuck his gum under the table at McDonalds and "accidentally" walked into the girls' bathroom. Marluxia went to the outdoor section to find fertilizers.

Vexen slunk off. There was only one thing he had ever wanted to do at Walmart. He followed a worker through the swinging doors and into the freezer. He found the milk, pushing one slightly to the left in order to spy on unsuspecting shoppers.

Someone tapped on his shoulder. "Excuse me, but this area is off limits, I need you to leave."

"Off limits? Then you wouldn't mind if I…" Vexen slugged the unsuspecting employee square in the jaw, instantly knocking him out. He removed the employee's vest and button, which were coincidentally his size… He put them on and headed out through the swingy doors.

Dressed in his brand new get up, Vexen walked down the freezer aisle and started to look at the assorted ice creams.

"Excuse me? Can you please tell me where I can find soy milk?" A shopper asked Vexen.

"I'm sorry," Vexen said. "but I don't work here." He than walked off leaving the customer confused.

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While Vexen starts up his brand of mayhem, Axel and Demyx were stirring up some of their own.

Both had been racing the scooter carts up and down the aisle until the manager found them. They finally got away after they hid behind a shelf of alarm clocks.

The two didn't hesitate to set all the clocks to ring at the same time. Not one clock was missed. No digital or dial clock was spared from their never ending need to cause trouble.

All the clocks were set to go off at eleven-ten. It was now eleven o' clock. They had ten minutes to set each clock. It was managed in about seven. The two cloaked trouble makers pretended to look at the jewelry as they waited for the clocks to go off and see what would happen.

As they waited the all call went off. "Clean up in aisle seventeen!"

Axel collapsed to the ground and started screaming, "THE VOICES ARE BACK!"

Demyx started to laugh hysterically, everyone else just kinda looked at them like they were crazy, and then walked off hoping that it wasn't contagious.

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Xemnas stood looking at the Trix. For him, this was a rather difficult decision. He could get the box with a sponge-bob pencil topper, the Trix stamp roller, or the fruit-ified kaleidoscope. Xemnas shrugged and swiped all of the boxes off the shelf and into his cart. He started to head off to the rendezvous point.

As he walked a little girl came up to him and started to wag her finger at him. "Swiper no swiping!" She shouted.

Xemnas smiled and picked up a box of Trix from his cart. He held it over the little girl's head and taunted her. "You want it little girl!? Never! For all the Trix are mine!" He tossed the box back into his cart and walked away. The little girl's mother picked the girl up and ran from the store as fast as possible.

The in-store McDonalds was packed. Xaldin was sitting at a table eating a hamburger. Xemnas walked up to him with his massive cart of Trix.

"I thought you were chaperoning the children. Emphasis on Children."

Xaldin swallowed his bite of burger. "What? You mean Roxas and the two babies?"

"Yes! Who else would I mean!?" Xemnas sat down on the other side of the table.

"Decided not to. They can take care of themselves."

Xemnas sighed. He couldn't always be around to hold their hands. It was time that they shopped for themselves.

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Roxas was staring at two different brands of hair care products. One offered gravity defying style and twice as much avocado oil. The other one offered vitamins and dandruff control.

Sighing, and taking after his father figure, he swiped all of both brands into the cart. He picked up four tubs of his favorite styling shampoo and headed off to the rendezvous point.

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Marluxia's group had split up. Marluxia was in the plant department and looking at the lovely flowers and getting all the fertilizer he would need for his gardening fetish.

Luxord was eyeing a brand new poker table. He had already picked up several packs of cards.

Zexion was in the book section. A girl was standing near him reading a book. He moved ever so slightly to see what the title was. Then he asked in a quite voice; "Is that book any good?"

In a soft voice the girl responded; "Yes, yes it is."

"Cool." Zexion said in reply. He continued to look at the other books around him.

Xigbar had long since moved from the ammo aisle. He was now passing by the ladies lingerie. He smirked and picked up a thong. He tried to imagine it on Larxene. Not the most pleasant image he had ever imagined. He decided that he would buy it and stuff it in Roxas' dresser to blackmail him.

Larxene was already checking out. She had bought all the things she would need for a few months. Before anyone could notice her she went and put all the things on a hidden place on the bus. She went back into the store and waited with Xemnas and the others.

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Demyx went up to the cashier with a small bag of M&M's. "Excuse me miss," He said. "but can you place this on layaway for me?"

The cashier took the M&M's and placed them on layaway for him. When Axel tried to get her to place a bag of M&M's on layaway from him, she looked at him as if he were crazy.

Demyx snickered.

"Why did it only work for you?" He asked.

Demyx pointed to himself and smiled. "It's because I have a baby face."

"Yeah right." Axel said. "Baby face my ass."

Demyx looked at his Mickey Mouse watch and sighed. "We better get to the self check out." He said.

Axel looked down at his Power Rangers watch. "You're right," He said. "let's go."

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"The weight does not match the number of items scanned." A robotic voice on the self-check out said as Xemnas scanned a box of Trix and placed it in the bag.

"Son of a bitch!" Xemnas yelled, getting some stares from other customers. "I scanned the box and placed it in the bag, what more do you want from me!?"

Xemnas started to take the box of cereal out of the bag when the robotic voice sounded again; "Not enough weight for all scanned items."

"Damnit! This thing can't make up its mind." Xemnas placed the box back into the bag.

"The weight does not match the number of items scanned." The voice said.

Xemnas kicked the machine. "Please press payment type." The machine said. Xemnas rubbed his temples and began scanning his items again.

Roxas and the others had long since given up on the self-check out and stood in line for a cashier. They were waiting at the exit for Xemnas to finish.

Everything seemed to be going well. Xemnas selected his payment type and pulled out his credit card. He swiped it through the card slot.

"No bastante peso para todos los artículos escudriñados."

"What the hell!?" Xemnas roared. He stomped his foot. "If you're going to work here learn English damnit!"

"No bastante peso para todos los artículos escudriñados."

"What are you saying to me!?" Xemnas screamed. The rest of the Organization went out the doors. They didn't want to be associated with the self-check out psycho.

"No bastante peso para todos los artículos escudriñados." The machine said.

"NO!" Xemnas shouted. "All I want to do it go home and enjoy a bowl of Trix!" Number One pointed at the Walmart worker standing at the help desk. "You!" He screamed. "It's your job to help customers like myself! Get your ass over here and help me buy my delicious breakfast food!"

The worker came up and pressed a few buttons. He swiped Xemnas' credit card and walked away as Xemnas snatched his receipt, loaded his bags back onto his cart and marched out the doors to the Organization XIII bus.

Back home Xemnas was finally enjoying his bowl of Trix, Roxas got his hair just the way he liked it, Marluxia took care of his flowers, Larxene handled her girl problems and all was right with the world.

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Ammy: By the way, we appreciate all our reviewers!

Terin:****So please do!


	10. TicTacs are Evil!

Sora straightened his expensive tie and tapped his papers on his desk. He cleared his throat and looked at the camera with a rather blank look till the director held up his cue card.

"Welcome to the WTNWNBN, more widely known as, World That Never Was News Broadcasting Network." He managed all in one breath. "Today we are here to discuss the conspiracy behind the manufacturing of tic-tacs. Now we will go to a live interview with a victim of tic-tacs."

_**Live Interview**_

"What exactly happened, when you put them in your mouth?" Tifa held out a microphone for Rai to speak into.

"It burned, ya know, and tasted minty ya know, and when I tried to stack them on my tongue ya know, like in the commercial ya know, they- they fell on the ground! YA KNOW!"

"Yeah. I know. Even evil has to follow the law of gravity." Tifa said into the microphone. "Back to you Sora."

"Doomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoom doomdoomydoomdoom… Oh, Thank you Tifa." Sora said breaking from his doom song moment. "We now have some live footage of a Tic-tac sweat shop in China."

**Real Time Footage:**

Mulan is seen sitting at a bench, surrounded by children who were all doing the same thing, making tic-tacs! Riku held up a microphone to the Chinese hero.

"Please, can you tell me about your work in this sweat shop?" Riku asked.

Mulan looked up. "It's dark, it smells and we're forced to make tic-tacs!"

Kairi suddenly jumped onto the table ripped the microphone out of Riku's hands and started screaming into it: "Can you see me Sora!? I know you can! You're the reason I'm here!" She held up her engagement ring. Riku was working his hardest to get his microphone back. "I'm stuck in this damned place trying to pay off the debt you left me with! You bastard! I'm going to find you, rip your guts out and then force you to eat them!"

Suddenly the door to the sweat shop flew open. Gepetto stood in the door way. "What's going on here?!" He shouted looking over at Riku and the camera.

Riku and the cameraman ran out the door of the sweat shop. Still running Riku finished his piece. "As you can see," He yelled. "Tic-tacs are evil, made in sweat shops by poor Chinese children and crazy-left-at-the-alter girlfriends! When will the tyranny of tic-tacs end? We may never know! Back to you Sora!"

Sora cleared his throat. "Thank you Riku." He said. "In other news, I must leave the country and assume a new identity so that Kairi will never find me. Now to Ammy with the weather." He ran out of the studio as quick as his legs could carry him.

The camera looked to Ammy. She pointed her pointer stick at a map of The World That Never Was. "As you can see we have no idea when we may post another chapter for True Tales. But we thank those who are loyal and review us even though we don't update as much as we should. Please forgive us." The camera looked away from the map and zoomed right at Ammy. "Thank you. This has been another live broadcast from WTNWNBN. Please join us next time when we come up with some new random stuff to tell you."


	11. Neighbor Wars

Terin: This chapter was highly influenced by The Sims.

Ammy: We do not own Mrs. Crumplebottom. Please read at your own risk.

Terin: Please enjoy part one of Neighbor Wars!

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Xemnas stood at the front porch of a Victorian style house that was placed right next to The Castle That Never Was. Behind him was the rest of Organization XIII. And perched carefully in his hands was a gelatin desert made with broccoli.

"Superior, why did we have to come again?" Xigbar asked in a very whiny tone.

"Because! We have a new neighbor, we need to be polite and welcome them to the neighborhood." Xemnas explained.

"But boss. We're evil. We don't need to be polite to anyone." Xigbar said.

"Shut up! Just because we do things that normal society frowns down upon does not mean we are rude! I believe that even evil should endorse upon good behavior."

"Whatever." Xigbar shoved his hands into his cloak pockets and sulked.

"AND DON'T YOU TRY TO SNEAK AWAY NUMBER THIRTEEN!" Xemnas shouted at Roxas who was trying to get away.

The blonde stopped dead in his tracks, the rest of the organization chuckling at him. He shoved his hands in his pockets and sighed.

Xemnas rang the door bell and stepped back to patiently wait for the owner of the house to open the door and accept his home made desert. Number One was extremely proud of the fact that he could make gelatin, Rachel Ray had taught him on her TV show.

The sound of locks clicking open came from the door. An elderly woman peaked her head through the open door. "Hello?" She asked innocently.

"Good morning madam. I am Xemnas, Number One of Organization Thirte-"

"I don't want none of what you're selling! Do you even have a business license? Because I don't believe you do."

"Actually, we are your new neighbors, and we brought you-"

"You hooligan! Kids these days!" She tossed a quarter at leader. The coin bounced off of Xemnas' head and landed on the ground. "Take that and get yourself a decent hair cut." She slammed the door shut

Xigbar snickered and picked up the coin.

"Okay looks like she doesn't want to talk," Roxas said. "I'm outta here."

"ONE MORE STEP BOY AND I WILL TAKE A LIGHTSABER TO YOUR HEAD!" Xemnas yelled as he started pressing the doorbell over and over. He had spent hours making this gelatin and that woman was going to eat it!

The lady opened the door again. "You kids stay off my lawn!" She shouted shaking a fist. Lexaeus quickly removed the tip of his shoe from the grass.

Xemnas cleared his throat. "Ma'am, we are happy to welcome you to the neighborhood. I made you this desert and hope that you feel at home here in The World That Never Was."

"I hate gelatin." The lady said plainly.

Xigbar burst out in laughter.

"And you young man," The lady said pointing at him, he immediately stopped laughing. "Respectable men don't were eye patches."

Others started to laugh at Xigbar. The lady pointed at Marluxia. "Real men have short hair and don't have it died pink."

"I'll have you know ma'am that this color is one hundred percent natural." Marluxia said over the laughter of members.

"And you!" She pointed at Axel. "That hair color is just down right obnoxious!" She pointed at Zexion. "Get yourself a therapist and stop moping!" Saix was her next victim. "Cut your hair!" Lexaeus. "Communicate with others!" Xaldin was next. "You look like an ape! Get some help!" She pointed at Roxas. "AND YOU! YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY!"

"What did I do?" Roxas asked.

"I **HATE** TEENAGERS! They're so useless! They have no respect! They complain way to much! They're lazy! They smell, and-" Roxas walked away before she could finish her list of grievances. "And they walk away while your talking to them!"

The rest of the organization started to walk away. They were right, that had been a total waste of time.

Xemnas tried once more to hand the old woman his desert. She pushed it away and pointed at Larxene who was walking towards the front gate.

"Wait young lady!" She ran out the door (fast for an elderly lady) and grabbed Larxene by the hand. "I'm Ms. Crumplebottom. What's your name deary?"

"Larxene." She pulled her hand away.

"What a lovely name. Now, I have a granddaughter about your age. She left some beautiful sundresses with me. Please come and have tea with me and we can see if the dresses will fit you." The old woman stated to pull Larxene toward her house.

"No wait! I have something I have to do! Please! Let me go!" Larxene struggled but Crumplebottom's grip was of iron.

Larxene was dragged into the dark house. The door slammed on Xemnas smashing his desert into his face and ruining his cloak. He dropped the plate and marched away angrily.

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After taking a shower and changing his clothes Xemnas headed straight up to Saix's observatory. Xemnas barged in and caught Saix at a bad time. He was dressed in nothing but a pair of boxers that had the pattern of Sailor Moon on them. The stereo was blaring the Sailor Moon theme song, and the TV was playing the live action movie.

"Saix! I need to use your telescope!"

Saix stopped in his tracks and pointed at his enormous telescope. "Knock yourself out."

Xemnas went over to the telescope and started to adjust it so that it glared down at Crumplebottom's house. Through the window of Crumplebottom's home Xemnas could see the old lady and her victim…I mean her guest, Larxene. They were sitting at a small round table. Two tea cups, a tea pot, and several plates of finger sandwiches and cookies sat on the table. Larxene looked like she was in agony, the old lady didn't seem to notice.

Anger welled up in the leader of Organization 13. "That lady should be glad she's old and not a man or I would hit her so hard!" Xemnas shouted.

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"So, who's cooking tonight?" Xaldin asked as he and Zexion walked into the dining room.

"Axel." Xigbar said. He was currently reading the newspaper and drinking coffee.

"Great," Zexion mumbled. "it's been a while since I've had charcoal."

Suddenly Larxene burst through the door. Her hair was done up in a fancy bun. Her black makeup had been replaced with blush and other girly cosmetics. But the most noticeable thing about her was a bright yellow sundress and the scared expression on her face.

Every man in the room laughed followed by a few wolf whistles.

"Would you like me to get you a chair madam?" Xigbar teased. He stood up and bowed, then pulled a chair out for Larxene.

"Stowe it bastard!" Larxene yelled. She lifted up her dress and started to walk towards the other door.

Just as she was about to get to the door, Xemnas walked in. He pointed at Larxene and said; "By God woman, what the hell happened to you? Where is your uniform?"

Larxene started to pull off her high heels. She tossed them behind her, one hit Xigbar right on the head the other managed to get Luxord in a not very pleasant place.

"That-That, that monster next door did this to me! Now get out of my way or I'll move you myself!" Larxene pushed Xemnas out of the way and marched down the hall to her bed room.

Larxene pushed poor Roxas out of the way. He stood up, used to the abuse. Lucy who was tailing him barked at Larxene.

"Who are you calling a bitch!?" Larxene roared.

Roxas sat down at the table and sighed. "Well someone's PMSing." He muttered.

Axel burst in through the front door. He was carrying several buckets of chicken. He and the chicken were wet.

"What happened to you?" Demyx asked.

Axel dropped the chicken and grabbed Demyx by the collar of his shirt. He had fire in his eyes. "You want to know what happened to me? I'll tell you what happened to me," He said through his teeth. "The damn neighbor happened to me! That lady screamed something about a porcupine and then sprayed me and your dinner with a hose!"

"What are we going to eat then?" Was the first question asked.

"I DON'T KNOW! MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO MRS. CRUMPLE-ASS!" Axel screamed, he marched off to change.

Roxas got up and walked to the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" Xigbar asked.

Roxas scoffed. "I'm ordering pizza. I'm not going hungry because the lady next door is a psychopath." He picked up the phone and pressed the speed dial button. He had made sure that the pizza place was on speed dial. The older members in charge of food sometimes failed in doing their job and Roxas was tired of the nights where he sometimes starved. I mean, it's not like they had a fridge filled with provisions that was easily accessible to a teenager.

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Terin: That concludes the first part of Neighbor Wars.

Ammy: Please review!


	12. Neighbor Wars Part II

**Crumplebottom: **Teenagers! I hate teenagers! All of them! Always running around spreading their hormones like beasts! Don't give a damn about the world! Always doing whatever or whoever you want!

**Ammy in a whisper: **Old lady still stuck in the sixties. We do not own Kingdom Hearts or Crumplebottom from the Sims.

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In the bottom of Xemnas' desk drawer is a journal. And in that journal are the chronicles of the Neighbor Wars.

**Neighbor Wars Day One.**

_I have seen many wars in my days. But I'm sure I'll never see one as awesomely horrid as the one I am about to face now. The New Guy (AKA Roxas) may not live to see the outcome of this war. But it's a price we have to pay in order to secure neighborhood order. My men (and Marluxia) are ready to put a stop to Crumplebottom tyranny. I vow that as long as there is breath in my body…Crumplebottom's iron claw of totalitarianism will crumble! _

_I don't know if I'll come back to write in this journal again, but I hope that whoever picks up this book to read, will know that I fought a gallant fight and I ask that I be remembered for my bravery on the field of battle._

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Xemnas looked through Saix's telescope, down at Crumplebottom's house. She had just sprayed Wendy Winston; the three-year-old who lived across the street, with a hose. Wendy's father, Charles Winston, shouted at the old lady and she sprayed him too. The Superior pulled out a walkie-talkie.

"Marluxia, what is the state of things in sector five?" Xemnas asked.

Marluxia's voice came back through the walkie-talkie. "Well, my Lilies are in wonderful-"

"I don't care about your flowers man! We're in the middle of a war!" Xemnas shouted.

_Below in the garden._

Marluxia turned around from his flowers when he heard someone shouting at him.

"You! You with the girly pink hair!" Crumplebottom screamed.

"Yes Madame?" Marluxia asked as politely as a gentleman could.

"You're flowers are horrid! Very under watered! Very bland!" She screamed.

Marluxia looked from side to side. All of his flowers were in every hue of every sprightly color you could imagine. Red, yellow, green, blue, purple, indigo, tan, peach, white, onyx, there were too many colors to name.

"Madame," Marluxia said. "Not to be rude, but I assure you that my plants are well taken care of and my flowers are certainly not 'bland.' And my hair is mauve. Not pink, but mauve."

"I'm always forced to be the saint." Crumplebottom held up her garden hose and started to spray Marluxia's flowers.

The water pressure was so great that it ruined the flowers, and sent mud and fertilizer flying. Marluxia's eyes went wide and he started shouting for her to stop, his arms flailed around as he ran trying to save his precious plants.

By the time Crumplebottom was finished with her massacre…ahem, 'watering,' Marluxia was soaking wet and his flowers were destroyed. The ones that had been spared from the hose would certainly die a slow painful death of over watering.

Marluxia looked up and saw that Crumplebottom was gone. He had tears in his eyes and anger welling up in every fiber of his being.

"My God." Xemnas said. "How many have to die before her reign of terror is over?" Xemnas placed his arm over the sobbing Marluxia and tried to comfort him as best he could.

"They were so innocent!" Marluxia shouted at the sky. "Why! They have done nothing wrong! How many have to die before that monster is stopped!?"

"Look at me man," Xemnas said, holding Marluxia by the shoulders. "This is why we fight." He held up a dead rose. "This is why Crumplebottom must be stopped. The mindless slaughter must end." Marluxia shook his head in agreement. "Let us bury the dead."

_In the Castle Library._

Zexion was reading a book. He was well into the plot and about to get to the part when the hero confessed his undying love for the heroine.

_Oh Michelle... I… I must confess-_

The phone next to the sofa that Zexion was sitting on rang. Irritated, Zexion answered the phone with a bleak "Hello?"

"I would like to report a disturbance." Crumplebottom's voice sounded through the phone.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but you have the wrong number." Zexion said back. He sounded bored, but he was polite.

"I called 777-7777. Isn't that the number for 911?"

"Ma'am, I think you are confused. The number for 911 _is_ 911."

"Yes, that's who I'm calling. I would like to report that my neighbors are causing a disturbance."

"Okay ma'am," Zexion said, keeping his cool. "This is you're neighbor's house okay? You want to call the police at 911 okay? Now hang up the phone and dial 9-1-1, then you can speak to the police."

The phone clicked as Crumplebottom had hung up. Zexion placed the phone back and went back to his reading.

**Neighbor Wars Day Two.**

_Food is low. I sent Axel out to get more supplies. He's not back yet and I fear for the man's life. Losing him would be like losing a member of my family, and losing a close friend. I can't stand the idea that he might be injured or worse… Roxas isn't taking it well. Seeing as he is such good friends with Axel. _

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"Superior, I'm back!" Axel shouted as he stepped into Xemnas' office. "I put the groceries away so we should be ready for-"

"Where have you been man!?" Xemnas shouted as he grabbed Axel by the cloak. "You could have been killed, or worse!"

"What would be worse than dying?" Axel asked.

"You should have called or something! You should have reported as soon as you got back!"

"I was gone for fifteen minutes." He grabbed the doorknob angrily. "You know what, I'm not going to take this. Yell at someone else! By the way I maxed out you credit card." Axel yanked open the door and marched out, slamming the door behind him.

Xemnas groaned, as the door bell rang. He walked out of his office, down the hallway past the T.V. room. Larxene, Vexen, Lexaeus, Xaldin, Demyx, Luxord and Xigbar were watching T.V. He looked at them.

"Don't worry," He said sarcastically. "I'll get it."

He walked into the entryway and opened the front door. Namine stood, all smiles, blond hair, pure white dress, her overnight bag, and a pan of brownies.

"Namine? Is this a surprise visit?" Xemnas inquired.

"No, I called you like three times." Namine grumbled as Xemnas let her in and closed the door behind her.

_Flashback…._

Roxas was gelling his hair in the mirror while seated on the couch in the TV room. Everyone else was watching television.

The phone rang.

"Phone's ringing!" Roxas shouted.

"You gonna get that?" Axel questioned.

"It's not for me." Xaldin muttered.

"It's probably for Roxas." Xigbar chimed in.

"Doubt it. Xemnas doesn't let me have any friends." Roxas complained.

"Answer it." Lexaeus mumbled.

"Yeah you should." Vexen replied.

*_RING*RING*RING*_

We're sure you can imagine the other two times Namine called.

_End Flashback…_

"I hope you do realize, Namine, that we are in the middle of a war. We'll protect you but I'm not making any promises. Some of us may not make it out alive." Xemnas said as he took her bag and placed the brownies on the kitchen counter. "Namine is here!" He screamed like a banshee.

_Meanwhile…_

Roxas jumped to his feet. "Oh shit." He muttered as he headed up to his room and shooed the fan girls out through the window.

"But Roxy-boo."

"I don't care Beth! I don't have time, get out! Go, quickly!"

_Back with Namine…_

"And who exactly are you at war with?" Namine raised an eyebrow.

"Crumplebottom." Xemnas growled. He tilted his head and held his chin in thought. "I'm brilliant!" He shouted suddenly. "You can be company nurse. It'll be like M.A.S.H, only not in Vietnam and you're the only doctor."

"Uhhh…I brought Band-Aids."

"Excellent! You're hired!"

Roxas came down the stairs. "Namine!" He shouted.

"Roxas!" She ran up to him and they exchanged a hug.

"Namine, you know where your room is, right?" Xemnas narrowed his eyes and gave Roxas a look.

"Yeah, as far away from Roxas' room as possible."

"Good. I'll go check the locks on your door then, have fun and stay out of the line of fire." Xemnas walked off.

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"THIS IS WAAAAAAR!" Luxord bellowed. He slapped down a card. "Ace high!"

Terin placed her own card down. "Hah- damnit." Terin said as her king was beaten by Luxord's ace.

Suddenly the door bell rang. He sighed and opened his door. He looked down the hall.

"Someone gonna get that?!" He called. No one answered back. He rolled his eyes told Terin he'd be back in a moment. "Fine I'll get it you lazy bastards."

He walked down the hall and opened the front door. He looked around to see not one soul. Luxord took a step outside. He saw Crumplebottom lying on the ground.

"Oh my God! Madame!" He shouted, running over to her and helping her up.

She pulled away from him and slapped him with her purse. "Let go of me you rapscallion!" She screamed. Luxord backed up and she hit him with her purse again. "You're a gambler aren't you!? My eldest son was a gambler and he turned up dead! It'll kill you, gambling will. Mark my words sonny-boy, gambling is one of the many routes to hell and prison! Cards is the devil's game sure as rock is the devil's music!" For good measure she whacked Luxord with her purse a few more times and then walked off.

Luxord walked back into the castle, he headed back to his room and sat down. "Crazy bitch." He muttered.

_In the Castle Library._

Zexion was enjoying his book. He was right at the part where the hero accepts the evil prince's challenge to a duel.

_"How dare you try to steal my bride!" The prince yelled as he drew his razor sharp sword. "I challenge you to a duel!"_

_"Bring it!" The hero shouted as he drew his sword and shot the prince. _

RING, RING, RING!

Zexion sighed and answered the phone. "Hello?" He asked.

"Yes, Operator. I would like to make a formal complaint against my neighbors."

Zexion sighed once more. "Mrs. Cumplebottom. You're speaking with one of your neighbors. This is not the police. If you want to speak to the police, then hang up your phone. Press nine first. After that press one, and then press one again. Then you can talk to the police."

"Police!? Police! POLICE!"

Zexion pulled the phone from his ear; he could still hear the crazy old woman screaming on the other end of the phone. He sighed, looked from side to side and made sure no one was watching as he hung up the phone.

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Roxas held Namine's hand as they walked to the mailbox. Crumplebottom was sitting on a lawn chain in her yard.

"Teenager!" She screeched.

Namine looked at the elderly lady and then at Roxas. Roxas rolled his eyes. "Just ignore her, she's a sociopath."

Namine looked away from the old lady and back at Roxas. When they made it to the mailbox Roxas placed the key into the box and pulled out the mail.

"Bill, bill, bill, junk, bill…" He paused and made sure that Namine was turned away as he stuffed a playboy into his cloak. He closed the box, took Namine's hand again and they headed back to the castle.

"Teenagers! I hate teenagers! Teenagers should not be allowed to breed! They should be locked up kept away from each other!"

"Shut up you old hag!" Roxas shouted, finally having enough of the woman's irritating rambling.

Namine gasped as Crumplebottom burst into crocodile tears.

"Roxas!" Namine shouted, letting go of his hand and slapping him upside the head. "I can't believe the man I love is verbally abusing an elderly woman!"

Roxas sighed. "Come on Namine. She's a sociopath! She screams at me because I'm a teen! She basically destroyed Marluxia's flowers and what he had left of his pride. She beat the crap out of Luxord! She's sprayed all the neighbors with a hose! And you don't even want to know what she did to Larxene!" Roxas took a breath. "Basically what I'm trying to say is SHE'S INSANE!" His voice echoed through the neighborhood.

Crumplebottom left, still pretending to cry.

Namine crossed her arms. "We're going home to talk about this right now."

"Pft, I don't have to listen to what you say."

"Oh really?" Namine said grabbing Roxas by the ear and dragging him towards the castle.

Someone grabbed onto Roxas' cloak and tugged on it. "Roxas! Roxas!" Wendy the little three year old neighbor kid shouted. Charles Winston, Wendy's father, walked over and picked the little girl up. Namine let go of Roxas' ear.

"I'm glad I caught you Roxas," Mr. Winston said. "Will you baby-sit Wendy next weekend?"

"He would love too!" Namine said.

"What?" Roxas said.

"Of course Roxas would love to watch Wendy." Namine said elbowing him in the side.

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure, I'll watch Wendy."

"Thank you so much." Charles said. "I'll drop her off at ten next Saturday. Mrs. Winston and I are going to see if we can't have Mrs. Crumplebottom sent to a home."

Roxas sighed as Mr. Winston and his daughter walked away.

_Later that night. _

Xemnas was eating his after dinner Trix when the door bell rang. He rolled his eyes, slammed his spoon down on the counter and got up. When he made it to the door, Lexaeus met him at the door with a bored/blank expression.

The Superior answered the door to see Mrs. Crumplebottom holding a cup measure.

"May I barrow a cup of sugar?" She asked sweetly, looking frail.

Xemnas had the most surprised look on his face. "No you may not!" He shouted.

Lexaeus rolled his eyes. He placed his hand on Crumplebottom's shoulder. "Please come in Madame." He led her into the kitchen, Xemnas following behind with a rather confused look on his face. "Please, make yourself comfortable." He pulled out a chair and invited her to sit down. Xemnas watched from the corner with his mouth agape.

Crumplebottom sat down on the chair and Lexaeus took the cup and filled it with sugar. He placed it down in front of her. She gave a meek smile. "Thank you young man, what may I call you?"

"Lexaeus."

"What a handsome name." Crumplebottom said.

"Why thank you." Lexaeus said. "Now then, if you need anything else you just come over here and ask me. I'll mow your lawn, pull weeds, and fix the plumbing, anything you need just ask me. Shall I walk you home Madame?" He took the sugar cup and offered her his arm, which she took thankfully.

Xemnas watched them leave. He sat back down, finished his Trix, and thought; _that's the most I have ever heard him speak._

"Have a good evening Madame." Lexaeus said and bowed.

"Such a gentlemen." She patted his hand.

**Neighbor War Day Three:**

Lexaeus was looking for a decent book. He was looking in Xemnas' office when he came across a notebook titled: _Neighbor War Chronicles. Written By Xemnas, Number One. _

Curious about what may be inside he tucked it under his arm and headed off for the living room to read. When he opened it and began reading, not even the taciturn Lexaeus could hold in his laughter.

Interested in why he was laughing; the other nobodies began gathering around him and reading behind his shoulder.

_My unit and I were surrounded by fifteen dozen enemy platoons. Vexen began begging for his life, Axel was willing to sell himself into slavery for his life, Larxene was crying and asking herself why she hadn't listened to her mother. _

_"Get it together!" I shouted. My men turned to look at me. "We must stand and fight!"_

_The enemy advanced and I killed the first ten in one hit. My men saw my bravery and followed in my footsteps to fight. I had no idea of the well being of my unit. All I could see was blood and gore. _

_When the dust settled, I had felled more then my fair share of enemy fighters. I returned to collect my unit when I discovered a bloody sight._

"I didn't lose an arm!" Roxas shouted. "This didn't even happen! What the hell is Xemnas playing at!?"

Xemnas walked into the room. "What's going on here?" He asked.

"You melodramatic bastard." Lexaeus said as he put his nose back into the book.

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**Ammy:** Melodramatic indeed!

**Terin:** We have some trivia for you guys.

**Ammy:** There is something in this chapter that makes no sense at all. Can you tell us what it is?

**Terin****:** Hey where has Sora been? I haven't heard from him in a while...


	13. Cirque D'Idiots

Sora: I could ask you girls the same question! Well, where have you been?

Ammy: College.

Sora: Oh... Now if you'll excuse me if I have to get back to my day job.

Terin: What's your day job?

Sora: You'll see.

* * *

**The True Tales of Organization XIII**

Demyx had just seen the coolest thing ever—no seriously, this was the greatest thing to happen to the World That Never Was…ever. He rushed into the den where the other Nobodies were gathered around watching TV.

"Guys, guess what?" He shouted as he jumped in front of the TV to get the Organization's attention, "The Freak Show is in town!"

Roxas sighed, "Demyx, we're _always_ in town."

"Can we go, Superior? Please?" Demyx got down on his knees and begged. "Please, please, please. I promise we'll be good."

"Speak for yourself," Xigbar grumbled.

Xemnas scratched his chin. He would really rather sit around and eat a bowl of Trix or two, but he supposed a visit to the circus wouldn't hurt anyone… much, and he did want to get in more bonding time with Roxas—"Yes alright, but we're _all_ going."

Demyx jumped up and played air-guitar. "_Going to the ciiiiiiiircus, gonna ride some riiiiiides, gonna get a chuuuurooo-" _

As Demyx continued his singing, the other Nobodies started up their usual whining. The Superior wasn't going to have it. "That's enough! We're going, no complaints! We need to start acting like a family unit! Now, to the ORGANIZATION XIII BUS!"

**_One Terrifying Bus Ride Later..._**

Xemnas parked the bus in a dirt field across from the carnival. He exited, followed by the other Nobodies, and noticed, with much maleficent glee, that the two compacts on either side of the bus wouldn't be able to open the car doors wide enough to get into their vehicles.

"This place is a dump," Axel said as he kicked a soda can.

"Nevermind that!"Xemnas said. "Here are the ground rules; One, someone must be with Demyx at all times. Axel, I leave him to you."

"Damn it," Axel groaned. Demyx smiled with delight.

"Two," The Superior continued, "We meet back here by sundown. And three, Roxas," He pointed at the teen. "You're with me!"

The Organization headed for the circus, Demyx and Xemnas the only excited ones in the bunch.

"Stick close to me Number Thirteen," Xemnas muttered. "You never know what kind of weirdos might show up to a place like this."

Roxas was pretty sure he could think of twelve weirdos, but he kept his mouth shut.

The ticket line was long, but Xemnas used his "powers of persuasion" to get to the front of the line. The ticket master, who looked suspiciously like Leon, demanded five-thousand munny. Xemnas fished the munny out of his cloak to pay. The Organization entered the carnival and immediately went their separate ways.

Xigbar, Luxord, and a straight-faced Lexaeus headed for the carnival games. Xigbar took up the shooting range and shot at a little girl only to discover that the gun only shot water, and not dangerous projectiles. Luxord promptly found a bench and started up a game of rummy with Lexaeus.

Zexion found a bench near the circus entrance and sat down with a good book. He couldn't help but smirk as Xaldin was immediately kicked out of the park by security. Saix followed after him, more content to sit in the Organization XIII Bus than die of boredom in a filthy carnival.

Marluxia found the tunnel of love and went solo if only to admire the fake plastic flowers. His ride was cut short when Vexen froze the water.

Demyx dragged Axel around, oohing and awing at everything that caught his interests. "Oh! Axel, let's get cotton candy! No, let's get a churro! Wait, let's go see the freaks!" He ran off, singing about seeing the freak show.

Axel, who could care less about the freak show, spotted a hot chick that looked suspiciously like Tifa. "Hey sweet-thang, you come here often?" He asked. "Name's Axel, got it memorized?"

The girl smiled. "Tell me about it, stud."

Larxene, on the other hand, was having A LOT more fun than she thought she would. The rides provided ample entertainment for the Sparky Nymph. She loosened the bolts on two of the rollercoasters and upped the speed on the carrousel. She found a relatively clean bench, sat back, and watched the mayhem ensue.

"Roxas!" Xemnas shouted. "Shall we ride that coaster?"

Roxas looked the screaming metal deathtrap up and down. "I have a better idea; let's go tell the Keyblade Master we kicked a puppy." He turned around to see the Superior's reaction, but Xemnas was gone.

"Get yer fried-trix-on-stix! Get 'em here! Fried-trix-on-stix!" A vendor, who looked suspiciously like Cid, was shouting.

Xemnas, unable to control himself, ran towards the cart and cut everyone in line. Roxas followed after him, bored out of his teenaged mind.

"Excuse me, what did you say about trix?" Xemnas asked.

"Fried-trix-on-stix," The vendor said. "Ain't you heard of 'em before?"

"Fried-trix-on-stix? **BRILLIANT!**" He roared. "I'll take them all! Oh, and a sea-salt ice cream for the boy."

"Alright ten-thousand munny."

"Ten-thousand munny—that's outrageous! How much without the ice cream?"

"Um…ten-thousand munny."

Xemnas reached into his cloak, pulled out the cash, and handed it to the Cid look-a-like. Roxas rolled his eyes. He'd have to buy his own ice cream. "Where did you get all that munny Superior?" He asked as the vendor handed Xemnas his entire stock of fried-trix-on-stix.

"Extortion," The Superior answered. He sat down next to Larxene and began eating his fried-trix-on-stix, selfishly not offering them to anyone else.

Eventually, Roxas couldn't take his boredom any longer and headed back for the bus. Larxene followed after him when the carnival shut the rides down due to "technical difficulties."

Finally, the circus shut down and everyone went home, including Organization XIII.

* * *

Lexaeus entered the kitchen and grabbed a box of Chinese food out of the fridge that read; **Luxord's Delicious Oriental Fodder—Appendages off.** He took a few bites of orange chicken, then shifted his eyes back and forth.

"Peaceful," He muttered to himself. "Amiss." Then he headed down the hall for his bedroom.

* * *

Xemnas was enjoying some of his leftover fried-trix-on-stix for breakfast when the rest of the Nobodies filed in. They sat quietly, passing around half-empty boxes of cereal. And for once, no one was arguing about who got the prize at the bottom of the bag.

It was for that reason that Xemnas looked up over his copy of _The_ _Times That Never Were_. "In the time that I have known you all, we have never once had a meal as peaceful as this one is. What are you all planning? Demyx, I'm sure whatever it is, it's your idea. Spill."

There was no response. Xemnas put his paper down and surveyed the table. The other Nobodies were looking at him, but not Demyx's baby-blues. In fact, he wasn't at the table…at all.

"Where's Demyx?" The Superior rubbed his temples. "I swear Larxene, if he's at the bottom of a ditch somewhere I'll-"

"Why do you think it was me!?" Larxene demanded.

"You're the one who locked him in the freezer last week," Roxas muttered.

Larxene slammed her fist on the table and stood up. "Like your one to talk, you and Axel left him at the mall not three days ago."

"Hey! That was an accident!" Axel stood up.

"Enough!" Xemnas roared before the arguing could escalate. "Does anyone, for Kingdom Heart's sake, know where Number Nine is?!"

Lexaeus raised his hand but didn't look away from his comic book. "Carnival," he stated.

"What?!" Xemnas jumped to his feet. "Axel, you were supposed to be watching him! It wasn't that difficult of a mission, what could have possible distracted you from it?!"

Axel gulped. "Ah…heh, you see," He tugged at the collar of his cloak. "There was this girl-"

"A woman?! You lost Demyx because you saw a woman?! That's it, Organization XIII, to the throne room! Posthaste!"

* * *

Roxas looked at the door to the throne room then looked at Axel. "How long has this door been here?" Axel shrugged, opened it, and stepped in.

"Whoa," Axel said. "Sweet."

Xemnas and the other Nobodies came in, the others looked as equally amazed as Roxas and Axel. The room was all white offset with tones of mute-gray. Thirteen thrones, all of them extremely tall, circled the room.

"Isn't it brilliant?" Xemnas asked as he gave his throne, the tallest seat, a pat. "A half ton of reinforced steel, two tons of polished marble, and seat cushions made of the finest baby seal leather money can buy. I had it built when we were renovating the castle."

He moved towards a fourteenth chair, crudely made and topped with a sign that read: **Number Fourteen**. Number Fourteen, looking dapper and well-fed, sat in the chair. She wagged her tail upon the Superior's approach. "I had to put Number Fourteen's in myself though."

"So how do you get up there?" Axel asked, pointing at Xemnas' throne.

"Oh, hold on a second." Xemnas disappeared behind the throne and came back with an extendable ladder. He leaned the ladder against the throne. "Let this meeting begin!"

Roxas, whose throne was the shortest, merely jumped up and was seated right away. He watched as the other Nobodies passed the ladder around to get onto their respective thrones.

It took about twenty-minutes, but when everyone was seated Xemnas said, "Alright, _now_ let the meeting begin! Axel, explain yourself!"

Axel cringed. "What?! I'm a man!"

"Was she hot?" Roxas asked.

"Smokin'."

"That is beside the point!" Xemnas roared, "You left Demyx unattended!"

"Superior I have a question for Axel." Xigbar raised his hand. Xemnas gestured for him to continue. "On a scale of one to ten, ten being highest, rate her boobs."

Xemnas smacked his hand against his forehead.

"An eight in size and a nine in shape," Axel answered.

"Enough of this nonsense! One of ours is missing! He could be anywhere—lost, confused, scared, maybe even dead."

"Or worse, here," Larxene muttered.

"The fact of the matter is, we're going to have to find him before the Keyblade bearer does or he gets taken in by a nice elderly couple and turned into a decent person! Lexaeus, Luxord, Zexion, you shall remain here in case he returns, the rest of us will head back to the carnival and track him down from there! Number Fourteen, Daddy needs you! And damn it, someone get me the ladder I can't jump down from this height! And then, to the Organization XIII Bus!"

* * *

Xemnas jumped out of the Organization XIII Bus, Number Fourteen at his heels. He shoved a piece of Demyx's clothing towards the dog's nose and commanded her to sniff. "That's a good girl," He praised. "Find Number Nine."

Number Fourteen let out a bark then howled and pointed her nose towards the carnival entrance. There was no line, but the ticket master who looked suspiciously like Leon was standing near the booth.

"You there!" Xemnas shouted. "We need admittance for-"

"No can do, buddy. The carnivals closed. Seems we're being sued because some of our rides were faulty."

"What? But we need to get in, we've lost one of our own in there!"

The ticket master rubbed his palms together. "Well, I guess I could let you in…for a favor."

"I am not a prostitute!"

"No! I meant munny you nimrod! Thirty-thousand and I'll let you sneak past me!"

"Oh. Yes, very well." Xemnas handed the man his munny.

"Where did you-" Roxas began to ask.

"Money laundering. Let's go, Number Fourteen, find Number Nine!"

Number Fourteen sniffed along the ground bypassing garbage as she went. The Nobodies followed after her. She stopped by the cotton candy booth, sniffed at a trash can, and then B-lined for the churro cart. She barked and made a run for the freak show tent.

The inside of the tent was dark, and the Nobodies couldn't shake the feeling they were being watched. Number Fourteen was still sniffing away, following along the dark corridor. There were cages and displays all around them holding gruesome deformities and strange afflictions and—

"Demyx?" Axel said. "Are you in a cage?"

Demyx was crouched in the middle of a cage surrounded by fake looking jungle plants and plastic rocks. He smiled when he saw the others. "Hey guys!" He came to the bars. "Hey Number Fourteen, hey pretty girl," Number Fourteen jumped up and let Demyx scratch her ears.

"Kingdom Hearts alive! How did you get there?!" Xemnas shouted over the uproarious laughter of the other Nobodies.

"Oh, I work here now," Demyx answered.

_"What?!"_

"They pay me in churros!"

For a few seconds, Xemnas was glad he didn't have a heart because he would have had a heart-attack. "Ch-chu-churros?"

This information was too much for the other Nobodies. Larxene, unable to control herself, fell to the ground with laughter, followed by Axel and Vexen.

"Oh my God," Larxene wheezed. "This is _soooooo _much better than I could have imagined!"

Roxas held himself up by holding onto the bars of Demyx's cage. "Man, I can't believe you sold yourself to the circus! I can't wait to tell everyone I know about this!"

"Demyx!" Xemnas roared. "What do I always tell you?!"

"Uh…if the subject fails to respond, use aggression to liberate his true disposition?" Demyx answered.

"No, the other thing!"

"Look both ways before crossing the street!" Demyx smiled, sure he was right.

Xemnas pressed his forehead against the bars, exasperated. "Alright, what's the third thing I always tell you?"

"Never sell yourself to the circus," He sounded ashamed.

"And what did you do?"

"Sold myself to—but Superior, I get five churros a day!"

"I don't care how many churros you get! You're not staying here to be the laughing stock of the World That Never Was!"

"Hey!" A voice called out from behind the Nobodies. "These guys bothering you, Demy?" A woman, walking on her hands, came forward, a fat bearded lady behind her. "We could take care of them, Gina used to run with the Mob."

"Oh no, no, Anya. This is my family, they came to visit."

"_Family?_" Larxene asked, incredulous.

"Actually, we came to get him. We're leaving."

Gina, the bearded woman, stepped forward. "No can do, the boy signed a contract. He's on for the next five years."

"Five years? That's preposterous! I demand to speak to whoever is in charge here!"

"That would be Tom, Dick, and Harry." Anya, the contortionist answered. "They're office is in the trailer near the rides."

"Thank you, Demyx, you stay here and don't go signing anymore contracts, understand?"

"Yes Superior," Demyx said, still ashamed of himself.

"The rest of you, follow me. We're going to have a talk with Tom, Dick, and Harry." Xemnas lead the way out of the tent and headed towards the rides. A dingy looking travel trailer was parked in the back with a sign reading: **Management, NO REFUNDS. **

"You all stay right here," Xemnas growled as he approached the trailer.

The trailer door opened and a man who looked suspiciously like Cloud stepped out, glared at the Nobodies, and then trudged off. Behind him came the vendor who looked like Cid and the ticket master who resembled Leon. They stepped aside as Xemnas knocked on the door.

"Come in!" The voice sounded vaguely Russian and belonged to a short man who looked suspiciously like the Keyblade bearer. The man twirled his thick handle bar mustache. "Can I help you?"

There were two others with him—one who looked a lot like King Mickey's Royal Sorcerer and another who kinda looked like the King's Guard Captain. They both sported majestic handlebar mustaches as well.

"I'm looking for Tom, Dick, and Harry."

"You've come to the right place, I'm Tom, that's Dick, and that's Harry." Said the man who resembled the Keyblade bearer.

"I have come to talk to you about a certain…employee," Xemnas said.

"Ahyuck, is it Gina? She's got a nasty habit of threatenin' folk." Dick said.

"No. It's one by the name of Demyx. You see, he's an idiot. And he sold himself to your circus…for churros."

"Yes, yes, five a day," said Harry.

"Well, you see. I'm his boss and I'm afraid I can't let you have him. He works for me." Xemnas crossed his arms. "I'm going to have to ask you to let him go."

Tom smoothed his mustache. "No can do." Xemnas had thought Tom Russian, but he sounded more Italian now.

"And why not?"

"You tell 'im Harry," Tom said.

"Well you see, he signed a contract."

Xemnas raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were Dick?"

"No I'm Tom."

"But he's Tom," Xemnas said, pointing at the man who looked like the Keyblade bearer.

The three mustachioed men looked at each other. Conferred in a circle, whispered to each other for a moment, and then turned back to Xemnas.

"I'm definitely Tom," said the man who Xemnas had thought to be Harry.

Xemnas sighed. "So are you going to let Demyx go or what?"

The men conferenced again. The man who looked like the Keyblade bearer smiled. "Absolutely not."

"What?! And why not!?"

"He signed a contract."

"I've had enough of this contract nonsense! Let him go or you'll rue the day you crossed Organization XIII!"

Tom, or Dick, or Harry, or whoever they were said, "And what might that be?"

Xemnas smirked and gave a villainous chuckle. "You'll see."

* * *

Terin: Well now we know what Sora's been up to.

Ammy: Who would have thought he had something like this in him?

Terin: Please review!


	14. Cirque D'Idiots Part II

Terin: Here's part II! Enjoy!

* * *

**The True Tales of Organization XIII**

"Two, four, six, eight, the circus hates elephants," Roxas said unenthusiastically. "That doesn't even rhyme."

Xemnas stood behind a podium in front of the carnival entrance, the other Nobodies beside him. He held a megaphone and screamed out to the crowd of people. "This circus is a vile and corrupt prison for innocent animals!"

Around him, the other members of Organization XIII were carrying signs and chanting lame protest catchphrases. None of them were very enthusiastic.

"We will not stand idly by while innocent animals suffer at the hands of these disgusting slave drivers!" He screamed raising his fist above his head and pumping the air. "Free the animals from this tyranny!"

Axel leaned over to Roxas. "We are talking about Demyx, right?"

Roxas shrugged. "Ten munny says the carnival sends him back in a few days."

"He's working for churros, that's practically _free_. And he's pretty freaky. They'll keep him." Axel said.

"So we're on?"

"Make it twenty."

"Done." They shook hands.

"End this affront to liberty!" Xemnas shouted. The patrons weren't paying much attention to him, but he didn't seem to notice.

Vexen tugged on the Superior's sleeve. "I don't understand what this is supposed to accomplish aside from terrorizing the masses- which I'm all for, but how is this going to help us get Demyx back?"

"Patience, Number Four, the cavalry will arrive soon."

"We have horses?" Marluxia gushed. "I didn't know we had horses!"

"It's an expression."

"Well we should get horses. They're such-"

"Focus Number Eleven! We're on a mission; we can discuss your equestrian interests later! Free the animals! Close down your slaughter-house for the innocent! I demand it!" He screamed into the megaphone.

_Hours later..._

"Hey Superior, I don't think that cavalry is coming." Axel said, he'd gotten tired of holding his sign and was now using it to lean on.

"Impossible," Xemnas growled. "I refuse to believe they won't come, they always come! Never fail! Sticking their noses into things not their business is their business! I will not give up this crusade, we will rescue Demyx! Roxas, I require your skills!"

"Skills?" Roxas dropped his sign. "I'm not whipping my Keyblades out every time you have a problem."

"No boy! Your other skills!"

"You're going to have to be more specific, I have many skills."

Xemnas jumped from his podium and pointed at a group of teenage girls. "See those girls? We need their help. Teenagers love getting behind ridiculous protests like this. Convince them to join our cause."

Roxas sighed, "Yeah okay. Watch the master at work." Number Thirteen sauntered over to the group of teenage girls and worked his magic. Within minutes he had them believe he was a sensitive heart throb out to save all animals from the terror that was traveling carnivals. He let one of the girls touch his hair and she immediately pulled out her cellphone and called for more friends to join them.

When Roxas returned to take his spot by Axel, the girls followed him picked up a few spare signs and began chanting about the evils of the circus.

"Murder circus!" One girl shouted.

Xemnas clapped Roxas on the back. "Well done, Roxas!"

"How'd you do it?" Xigbar asked.

"The hair. Ladies can't resist the hair."

Xemnas watched in amazement as their small, ten Nobody operation grew into a huge protest—teens and animal-loving adults alike, came to support the cause. Little did the protesters know, Xemnas was just using them.

"Free the beasts! Free the beasts! Free the beasts!" Was the chant, along with "murder circus!" "Animal Haters!" and a number of other more inappropriate calls.

"These transgressions will not stand!" Xemnas cried. "We will see you brought to justice for your crimes, we will-" Someone tugged on his cloak.

"Hi, I'm Rikku with The World That Never Was News Broadcasting Network, are you the leader of this protest?"

"Yes."

"Would you consent to an interview?"

Xemnas smirked and laughed villainously, his plan was coming together. "I'd love to."

_Meanwhile, in the Castle That Never Was..._

Luxord sat at the coffee table with Ammy and Terin, they were catching up while playing a game of cards. Lexaeus was sitting in the Lazy-Boy flipping channels on the TV while Zexion read quietly on the sofa.

"So how's college been?" Luxord asked.

"Boring." Ammy answered. "It's like high school only with night classes."

"So I've heard. Got any threes?"

"Go fish."

"Oh, by the way, thank your mother for the lovely pudding ring, it was delightful."

Lexaeus suddenly stopped channel surfing and sat up. "Superior," He muttered, all eyes turned to the TV.

WTNWNBN was working on a developing story about a protest…a huge protest. They even had a chopper on sight getting aerial shots and shining spotlights on the crowd, there were police cars ensuring everything stayed peaceful, and there were hundreds of people.

"Is that PETA?" Terin asked as a bus pulled up on the scene. "I thought you guys were supposed to be evil, why is Xemnas protesting animal cruelty?"

Luxord scratched his head and looked at Zexion. "They're supposed to be looking for Demyx. I have no idea what this nonsense is about."

* * *

The mustache was getting itchy. Sora removed it and scratched his nose. He, Donald, and Goofy were sitting on top of the trailer surveying the protest. As Keyblade bearer, Sora had seen some weird things—like seriously _freaking weird things_—but this was taking the cake.

"Sora," Donald began. "This is getting out of hand."

"You're telling me?!"

Goofy chuckled. "You've got to give those fellas a hand for creativity, though."

Leon came up to the trailer. "Sora!" He called. "PETA's showed up, they're threatening lawsuits and trying to break through the gate!"

Sora groaned.

"Ahyuck, maybe we should just give Demyx back?" Goofy suggested.

Sora jumped off the trailer. "No way, this is still gonna work. We just need to find a way to get the crowd to leave."

"How about we address the fact that we don't have any animals here?" Leon suggested.

"Oh, that's right! Simba had to go home, Mushu too!" He rubbed his hands together, formulating a plan. "Leon, get Gina." He put his fake mustache on and donned a fake English accent. "We're going to let PETA tour the carnival."

* * *

The police escorted Tom, Dick, Harry, and Gina over to Xemnas and the president of the World That Never Was PETA chapter.

"What do you want?" Xemnas asked.

"PETA doesn't negotiate when lives are on the line." The president said, looking the three carnival men up and down.

"We're not here to negotiate; we're here to prove to you that we aren't animal killers." Tom said in an accent caught between French and Australian.

"Absurd! We won't let you trick us," Xemnas growled.

But the PETA president shrugged. "I'll hear you out. Mister?"

"Call me Dick."

Xemnas watched them go.

Within thirty minutes the president came back, he glared at Xemnas and called the PETA protesters back to the buses. Upon seeing them leave, the WTNWNBN left, and when the teens saw that the protest was fizzling, they decided to leave too, leaving only Organization XIII in the dark dirt lot.

Tom, Dick, or Harry, laughed. "Looks like your righteous quest to save the 'animals' has gone extinct!"

"Haha, don't think this is over," Xemnas said. "I'll chain myself to that gate if I have too."

"For Demyx?" Larxene muttered.

"This is private property," said Gina. "Clear out, or we'll have a confrontation on our hands." She cracked her knuckles.

Saix tapped Xemnas on the shoulder. "Superior, I know that this is a matter of personal honor, but this is…not working. We need to try a different approach."

"Perhaps you're right, Number Seven?" He turned to face the carnival owners. "You've won this battle, Tom, Dick, and Harry, but you have not won the war! We shall return!"

* * *

But when the Organization returned the next day, the carnival was gone. They went home, disappointed (well, not Larxene, who thought five years without Demyx was a pretty sweet deal).

Xemnas obsessed over the defeat, even vowing he wouldn't take Kingdom Hearts without the plucky, energetic Number Nine at his side. Axel and Roxas missed their buddy.

But it was Aqua who took it the worst. She spent most of the time crying her puppy dog eyes out. Her mom, Number Fourteen and her sister, Kingdom Hearts, tried to comfort her. Lucy and Rex brought her kibble, Chrysanthemum brought her flowers, but nothing worked. She wanted her Daddy, her silly, hyper active, water-loving Daddy.

Xemnas patted Aqua on the head and took a bit of trix, the fruity spheres turned to ash in his mouth. "I miss him too, girl."

The doorbell rang.

"Yo, doorbell rang!" Axel shouted from the den.

"Roxas, answer the door!" Marluxia screamed.

"Busy!" Roxas shouted as he walked down the hall and passed Number Four. "Go get it Vexen."

Vexen came into the kitchen. "Why should I-"

"Oh for Kingdom Hearts sake, I'll get it." Xemnas said as he set his half eaten bowl of cereal into the sink. The bell rang again as the Superior came down the hall. "Cool your jets, I'm coming!"

He opened the door. "Hi Superior! I'm back!" Demyx squealed with glee and shoved a fruit basket into Xemnas' hands. "Hello, I'm home!" He shouted.

Aqua came running down the hall. Demyx kneeled. "Aqua! I missed you!" Aqua licked his face and barked cheerfully.

Axel popped his head out of the den. "Demyx?"

"Hey Axel!"

"Eh! Roxas, Demyx is back!"

Roxas came running, remembering his earlier bet with the red-headed pyromaniac. Oh, and he was happy Demyx was back too, he just didn't show it. Most of the other Nobodies were completely unphased by Demyx's absence and couldn't care less about his return, Larxene was disappointed.

"What's the fruit basket for?" Axel asked.

"Oh, it's a gift from Tom, Dick, and Harry. They left a card." Demyx pulled the card off the basket and placed it into Roxas' outstretched hand.

"Dear Organization XIII, no hard feelings about tricking Demyx into joining the circus, right? Please accept this delicious fruit basket as a token of our good will. Sincerely, Tom, Dick, and Harry. P.S. We understand why you're evil now." Roxas placed the card back. "What the hell happened to you?"

"Oh well, it's an interesting story, actually,"

**_Flashback..._**

_"Eating a chuuuuuroooo and sitting in the caaaaaaaar, siiiiiinging about traaaaavelin'_, _and hangin' with my freak shoooooooow buuuuudies-"_

"Oh my God!" Tom shouted, "Shut up, for God's sake, shut up! You've been singing the same song for **HOURS!** Do you ever stop?!"

**_End Flashback..._**

"And so they bought this basket and dropped me off here," Demyx finished.

Roxas chuckled and looked at Axel. "That'll be twenty munny."

Axel pulled the munny out of his cloak and shoved it into Roxas's hand. "Shut up."

Demyx turned to Xemnas. "Dick told me about the protest, Superior. That was cool of you to try to protest me free."

Xemnas regained his composure, which had been lost at the sudden reappearance of Number Nine. "Y-yes, of course. As long as you promise not to sell yourself to the circus again. Not for churros, or cotton candy-"

"What about-"

"_Not_ for anything, Number Nine!"

So basically everyone was happy Demyx was back (except for Larxene), but that quickly ran its course by the next day. As it turns out, no one had really missed the constant singing, random water gun fights, or the water balloons dropped on their heads. But everything was right once more in the World That Never Was, as normal as normal could be in a place that technically wasn't supposed to exist.

The End.

* * *

Ammy: Man, am I glad to be back. That was crazy right? Who knew Sora had it in him to kidnap poor Demyx? Anyway, until next time!

Terin: Please Review!


	15. Nobodies Business Like Show Business

Ammy: Hello loyal readers!

Terin: And not so loyal ones.

Sora: Don't be rude, Terin. It's unbecoming for a lady such as yourself.

Terin: Sora, don't you have a date with the pavement outside that window?

Sora: I'm going, I'm going!

* * *

The Nobodies were gathered around the TV. Xemnas was flipping through the channels hoping to find something worth watching. He stopped on WTNWNBN regardless of how ridiculously biased and un-journalistic it was.

Sora was sitting at the head of a news panel consisting of that girl Ammy and her sister Terin, Cloud, Leon, and Yuffie.

Cloud, dressed awkwardly in a suit, tented his fingers and leaned against the desk. "Frankly, I'm not surprised. I'm not real either, it's all a lie!"

Yuffie sighed. "Getting back to our topic, Pinocchio. I don't know who he thought he was fooling, _chicken pox_? Pfh, we all knew those were termites."

"Not to mention his acting career," Leon said. "It's like he was made of wood."

"Leon, have you not been listening? He is made of wood," Terin growled.

"And seriously, _Pinocchio_. Worst. Disney. Movie. Ever," Ammy said.

"What's a Disney movie?" Sora asked.

"You wouldn't understand," Ammy said.

"Hey!" Sora yelled. "Our viewers aren't stupid!"

Roxas, sitting in the Lazy Boy by Xemnas, muttered into the sleeve of his cloak. "That's debatable."

Xemnas sighed with disgust. "All this tabloid nonsense, where's the hard hitting journalism of my day?" He changed the channel.

"Welcome back to _Cooking with Kairi_!" Kairi said, she was dressed in a cute pink apron with her TV Show logo on the front. "Today, I'm going to share with you a recipe for the easiest red velvet cake you've ever made, and the best you've ever tasted!"

"Kingdom Hearts Alive! There are like twenty of these food channels!" Xemnas shouted before changing the channel.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to _Aerith!_ Today, we have a very special guest: Pinocchio! But first—you get a Keyblade and you get a Keyblade and you get a Keyblade!" She began pointing at members of the audience, all of them fawning women who screamed when she spoke.

Xemnas swallowed indignantly and turned the TV off. "Why is it heroes get TV shows? Why can't we have a TV show? We could be actors!"

"Roxas is YouTube famous; he does covers of Jesse McCartney songs!" Demyx chimed, then lowered his voice to a whisper. "But don't tell anyone, it's a secret."

"Really? That's a useful talent." Xemnas noted.

"More like a useful threat." Larxene murmured just loud enough for Roxas to hear.

Roxas rubbed his temples and looked at Demyx. "Hey Demyx, do you remember how I said I'd kill you if you told anyone?"

"Yeah."

"You have ten seconds to start running."

Panicked, Demyx jumped up and hid behind Xemnas.

"Enough, Number Thirteen. We have more pressing matters to attend to." Xemnas barked.

"Pressing matters? Superior, show business is a tough business. Besides, what're we going to do? The Housewives That Never Were? We only have one girl," Axel said.

Marluxia raised his hand and smiled. "I could play another girl."

"Dude, I was talking about you." Axel smirked. Both Marluxia and Larxene glared daggers.

"We could do a children's music show, those are always popular." Demyx suggested from behind Xemnas' shoulder.

"We should do something like _Cops_ only call it _Villains _and showcase how the other side of the law lives." Xaldin said.

"As riveting as that sounds Number Three, I already have an idea!" Xemnas jumped from the sofa and ran down the hall to put his plan into action.

"Does anyone have a bad feeling about this?" Axel asked.

"I have a bad feeling about every idea the Superior gets." Roxas said before leaving the room.

* * *

Xemnas led the other Nobodies onto the soundstage he'd rented for their big television debut. The set was brand new, with fancy cameras, gleaming stage lights, shiny new props, and a hearty looking crew ready to follow the director's (Xemnas) every order.

"How did you pay for this?" Roxas asked.

"Grand Larceny."

"When do you have time to commit these crimes?" Larxene asked.

"What do you think I do in my office all day?"

"Uh…draw Kingdom Hearts?" Axel answered.

"Well I'll have you know that I am a Villainous Mastermind capable of procuring funds via illicit activities." Xemnas turned and looked at the set; he clapped his hands together and rubbed his palms. "So, here's what we're doing. You there," he pointed at one of the crewmen. "Lower the sign!"

The man nodded and ran off set. Moments later, a sign was lowered onto the stage reading: _The Organization XIII Variety Hour!_

"Oh my God! You're going to make us dance around like the Brady Bunch?!" Axel roared.

Demyx instantly launched into _The Brady Bunch_ theme song. Axel swung around and slapped the Melodious Nocturne right in the face. "Don't start!"

"I call playing Marcia!" Marluxia shouted gleefully.

"_Enough!_" Xemnas shouted. "We are not going to play the _Brady Bunch_. This is a serious TV show and I expect all of you to be on your best behavior!" He stepped over to a chair marked Director and grabbed a headset that would allow him to communicate with the crew. "Alright Greg, cue theme and dancing girls. I hope you don't mind, Roxas, but I hired some of your fan girls to play dancing ladies."

Suddenly, the lights dimmed and the sign _The Organization XIII Variety Hour!_ Lit up. Ten girls each dressed in sequined organization cloaks and fancy hats bearing white feathers and the Nobody symbol stepped out from each side of the stage. Terrible cheesy music erupted from hidden speakers and then Demyx's voice began to sing out and the dancing girls locked arms around each other's shoulders and began kicking their legs up.

_This is the story, of a man named Xemnas_

_Who named himself Superior of Organization XIII!_

_They wore black cloaks, just like their leader_

_The youngest one just a teen!_

_Here's the story of their villainous exploits_

_They're busy trying to get Kingdom Hearts_

_They're all evil and living together_

_Yet they're still a family!_

_One day they'll obtain Kingdom Hearts_

_And all have hearts of their own_

_But they'll still be one big family,_

_That's how we became Organization XIII!_

_Organization XIII!_

_That's how we became Organization XIII!_

Demyx squealed with glee when the song ended, the rest of the Nobodies looked at Xemnas, shocked. Literally, completely and totally shocked.

Roxas rubbed his temples. "I'll never be able to un-hear that."

Axel looked at Demyx, grabbed him by the shoulder and began shaking him wildly. "You consented to sing that? What the hell is wrong with you? How can you call yourself a man?!"

"Number Eight! Leave Number Nine alone! He did a swell job!" Xemnas patted Demyx on the back and smiled. "Now then, as to our outfits."

"There is no way in hell I'm getting on stage with you lunatics!" Larxene roared. "Have fun making fools of yourselves, I'm outta here." She marched off.

"Hold up, I'm coming with you!" Roxas shouted but before he could follow after her Xemnas grabbed him.

"Number Thirteen!" I require your singing talents! _You may not leave_." Xemnas growled as he tightened his death grip on Roxas' arm.

"Son of a bitch." Roxas muttered.

Axel chuckled. "Have fun, _Cindy_." He began walking away.

Roxas grabbed the hood of Axel's cloak and pulled him back. "If I stay, you stay." He menaced.

Xemnas let go of Roxas' arm and spoke into his headset. "Greg, the costumes, if you please." A few moments later a man pushing a wheeled clothing rack came on set.

Upon seeing their costumes, Marluxia shrieked with delight and ran over to touch each costume in turn. He pulled a sparkly pink cloak from the rack and held it up for all to see. "These sequins are to die for!"

"I'm glad you approve." Xemnas said. "You may have the first pick."

The other Nobodies watched as Marluxia tried on each cloak and then spent twenty minutes deliberating with one of the female crewmates about which one brought his eyes out. In the end, he settled on a bedazzled purple cloak, leaving the pink one to the unlucky bastard who got last pick.

Demyx quickly ran over and pulled a silver sequined cloak on. "I look like a disco ball!" He jumped for joy and then spun around casting pinpoints of light in all directions.

Axel jumped up to grab the only red cloak, but Lexaeus beat him there and then handed him a bright green bejeweled one. "I look like a freaking Christmas Tree." Axel grumbled.

Roxas and Xigbar took hold of the same blue and white cloak, Roxas quickly called forth one of his Keyblades and threatened Xigbar's other eye. The sharp shooter let go of the cloak and snatched up a red and white one.

Vexen grabbed a plaid cloak studded with multicolored rhinestones. Zexion, looking bored out of his mind, grabbed a bright yellow sequined cloak, leaving Xaldin, Saix, and Luxord to fight over the remaining cloaks.

In the end, Saix laid claim to a gold cloak. Luxord played rock-paper-scissors and won the orange bedazzled cloak, leaving Xaldin the pink sequined one much to the amusement of the other Nobodies.

Xemnas smiled as he observed his fellow Nobodies. "Excellent. Now then, I expect you all to see Greg and collect your scripts for our pilot episode. Our premier is in one week."

_One Week Later…_

"Places, everyone, places!" Xemnas shouted into his megaphone. Crewmen ran around making last minute adjustments to lights and cameras, sound was checked one last time, and the dancing girls took position as the flashing sign reading _The Organization XIII Variety Hour!_ was lowered.

Xemnas, dressed in a white and black cloak dazzled with sequins, rhinestones, and tassels, turned to look at his fellow cast members. They were all looking extremely irritated, except for Demyx who looked like a five-year-old on Christmas Morning.

"I am sure you are all sufficiently prepared?" Xemnas asked. "We go live in two minutes."

"Live show?!" Axel smacked his forehead. "You never said anything about this being a live show, what the f-"

"Language Number Eight!" Xemnas roared. "We are a wholesome family TV show! I will not have that language polluting our airwaves!"

"Not that I care or anything," Roxas muttered. "But how exactly are we even getting airtime?"

Xemnas smiled, glad someone had asked. "It's very simple, Number Thirteen. I used a sophisticated satellite array to hack into the _Aerith!_ Network, polls report that her show is the most popular show in the universe so by splicing into the network mainframe I have successfully taken control of their programming and connected our cameras to their network. Today, when people believe they will be sitting down to watch _Aerith!_ They'll really be tuning into us!"

"You just paid Aerith to play our show instead, huh?" Roxas chuckled.

"That is irrelevant!" Xemnas growled when the Nobodies broke into laughter. "And what are you all doing standing around, get to your places! We're on in thirty seconds!"

Xemnas removed his headset and grabbed a microphone as _The Organization XIII Variety Hour_ theme song began to play and the girls began to dance. The studio audience made up of Roxas' spare fan girls and Larxene (who had only come to watch her fellow Organization members make fools of themselves).

When the theme song ended and the dancing girls moved offset, Xemnas came on stage. He smiled and said, "Welcome, welcome, to _The Organization XIII Variety Hour!_ I am your Superior, Xemnas! I know we're all going to have a great time tonight, but first, let me introduce the cast!"

A spotlight clicked on, revealing Xigbar. "First off, he's no pirate but he's sure to shiver your timbers with laughter—Number Two, Xigbar!" Xigbar waved, enjoying the sudden attention.

His light clicked off and another shinned over Xaldin, who looked positively ridiculous in his sparkly-pink cloak. "His wit is as sharp as his lances, Number Three, Xaldin!" Xaldin growled at the camera.

"This scientist is as mad as a hatter and twice as funny, Number Four, Vexen!" Vexen smiled awkwardly.

"As silent as he is, he's a riot! Number Five, Lexaeus!" Lexaeus was reading a comic book and didn't appear to even notice he was on camera. "What the—Number Five, put that book away and say hello to our audience!" Lexaeus didn't put the book down, but peered up and acknowledged the camera with a curt nod.

"Number Six, Zexion, is our resident bookworm, he'll tell you the scariest stories, greatest romances, and funniest tales you've ever heard!"

"His talent is as big as the moon, Number Seven, Saix!"

"Tall, red haired, and handsome, it's Number Eight, Axel! Got it memorized?!" Axel flipped off the camera; Xemnas jumped over to him and quickly pushed him off the stage.

"He's got the voice of an angel, Number Nine, Demyx!" Demyx waved with both his hands and flashed bright smile.

"Hi Mom!" Demyx shouted.

Xemnas continued introductions. "Pick a card, any card; it's Number Ten, Luxord!"

"Handsome, graceful, and with a green thumb to boot, it's Number Eleven, Marluxia!" Marluxia gave multiple gracious bows and flipped his hair with a dashing smile.

"And last but not least, the angst-ridden and adorable Number Thirteen, Roxas!"

Roxas frowned and uncrossed his arms. "I am not angst-ridden, I'mcynical. And would you stop telling lies about us? Saying Xaldin is witty is like saying Demyx is smart and I never once heard Lexaeus say more than-"

Xemnas pushed Roxas off stage and said, "Now, I must introduce our very special guest, Namine!"

Namine, dressed in a pretty white gown, smiled and waved. "Hi everyone!"

One stage left, Roxas' jaw dropped. Xemnas called for a commercial break and the Nobodies filed off stage to get ready for the next part of the show.

Roxas grabbed Xemnas' arm and pulled him away from the others. "You didn't tell me you were inviting Namine." He hissed angrily.

"Yes well, I thought it would be a nice surprise, that's why she's our special guest."

Roxas smacked his forehead. "Damn it Superior, Namine's gonna be pissed if she finds out that those dancers are my fangirls!"

"Why does that matter? I thought you two had an open relationship?" Xemnas said as he reclaimed his arm.

Roxas felt an aneurism coming on. "It_ is_ an open relationship, _she_ just doesn't know that."

"You mean to tell me that you've been promiscuous?" Xemnas placed his hand over where his heart would be.

"It's not like that," Roxas said grabbing Xemnas' arm again. "And I'll do whatever you want, just get rid of the dancing girls."

Xemnas took back his arm again and shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't do that Number Thirteen, you reap what you sew." He then walked away.

Shaking with rage, Roxas walked up to Axel. "We have to destroy this show." He growled.

Axel chuckled. "Heh, way ahead of you buddy. Tell me, you ever heard of a net-gun?"

* * *

Ammy: Yay for an update!

Terin: Please review!


	16. The Organization XIII Variety Hour

Terin: Hey viewers, please enjoy this episode of _The Organization XIII Variety Hour_.

Ammy: Brought to you with limited commercial interruption.

* * *

The commercials came to an end and the stage lights were found dim save for one spotlight on Zexion. "And now, ladies and gentlemen," Xemnas announced from somewhere off stage. "It's time for _Tales from the Darkness."_

Zexion cleared his throat and opened his book. "Once upon a time there was a little girl; she got eaten by three bears because she broke into their house. The end."

There was a brief moment of applause before Xemnas' voice cut them off. "This has been another episode of _Tales from the Darkness_."

The lights went down and there was a short period of darkness as the new set was placed up. The lights came back up revealing a large plush sofa. Xemnas, Luxord, Marluxia, and Lexaeus were seated on the sofa while Xaldin took a seat to the left of the stage.

The intro-music cut and Xaldin took his script out from under the desk and stood up. "Hello," He said mechanically, his eyes glued to the script. "Welcome to _Who Has the Next Line?_ A show where the points are irrelevant. Yes, it's true; the points are completely irrelevant, just like trying to fight Sepherioth at level twenty-five." He cleared his throat. "I am your host, say name…oh I am your host, Xaldin. And with me is Xemnas, Luxord, Marluxia, and Lexaeus. Let's get started." He sat back down.

"First up we will be playing a game called—scenes from a cap." Xaldin put his script down and took a ball cap out from under his desk. "It says here I'm supposed to read them."

Xemnas smacked his forehead. "Yes, Number Three, take one of the cards out of the cap and read it out loud so that everyone can hear it."

"Oh. Simple enough." He plucked a card out of the cap and read it. "What the Heartless are really thinking."

Luxord quickly got up and flashed a smile. "Is that a boy? Or a girl?"

Xaldin threw the card away and pulled out another. "Alternative names for Kingdom Hearts."

Xemnas jumped up and threw his arms in the air. **"****MINE!****"**

Xaldin crumpled that card up and threw it at an audience member before choosing another. "Rejected names for Keyblades."

Lexaeus stood up. "House Key."

Marluxia jumped up next. "Dus_ky_!" His pun was met with silence. Unwavering, he tried again. "Enter Key!"

"I've had enough of this topic." Xaldin growled and threw the card away. "Organization XIII's day jobs." He sighed with disgust.

Xemnas stood. "Hello, my name is Axel; may I take your order?"

Luxord said; "Argh, my name be Xigbar, terror o' the Spanish Main! Arrr!"

"This is one small step for man, one giant leap for Saix!" Marluxia chirped, he then bowed his head. "Kingdom Hearts bless Neil Armstrong."

Luxord jumped up again. "Come one, come all and catch a glimpse of the most grotesque of freaks, Demyx!"

Everyone burst into laughter and the lights clicked off, ending the segment. Xemnas' voice cut through the applause. "We'll be right back after this commercial break!"

_Meanwhile…_

Sora looked at Kairi and then at Riku. "Okay, who changed it to the _Twilight Zone_?" The others shrugged.

Riku said; "It's like a car accident, I wanna stop watching, but I can't."

"As much as I would rather watch _Aeirth!_ I really have to see how this ends." Kairi said.

_Back With Organization XIII…_

Axel aimed his net-gun and captured the tenth and final dancing girl. Roxas gathered the net around her. "Sorry Stella." Roxas said as he dragged her to the broom closet he and Axel were stashing the girls in. "But I can't let Namine find you. I'll let you all out later." He closed and locked the door behind himself.

"Well, that takes care of the girls." Axel said.

"What else do we have planned?" Roxas asked.

Axel chuckled. "Follow me." He led Roxas to his dressing room. Axel pulled a huge crate out from under a pile of musty costumes. He pried the lid off the crate, nestled inside were three pin-striped, conical-tipped, cartoonish fireworks.

"Holy-" Roxas touched one of the rockets, Axel slapped his hand.

"Don't touch them, they're extremely delicate."

"Wh-where did you get these?"

"I know a guy." Axel shrugged. "All we need is a perfect place to put them."

Roxas scratched his chin and smirked. "I know just the right place."

* * *

"Now it's time for _Tremendously Essential Information with Luxord and Xigbar!_" Xemnas shouted from offstage.

Two spotlights went up illuminating two leather armchairs, Luxord in one, Xigbar in the other.

Luxord crossed his legs and ran a hand through his blond hair. "If at first you don't succeed, _cheat_."

Xigbar chuckled. "Okay, get this. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, I believe drowning him is a good punishment."

"Rome wasn't built in a day," Luxord said. "But I bet I can destroy it in an hour."

"Dog is man's best friend. Unless that dog belongs to Xaldin. In which case dude, you're man's best meal."

Luxord uncrossed his legs. "And finally. A fool and his munny are soon parted, unless you're a murderous fool, then you can just get it back."

"This has been _Tremendously Essential Information with Luxord and Xigbar!_" Xemnas said, the lights went down.

After two minutes worth of scrambling, the lights came back and Xemnas introduced the next act. "And now, _Art Corner, with Namine!_"

Namine was standing in front of a blank canvas mounted on an easel; on a desk beside her was a brand new box of crayons. She smiled at the audience. "Hello, today, I'm going to draw a beautiful flower and then draw using a model for inspiration."

Without another word Namine grabbed a yellow crayon and began to draw a pretty little daisy. When it was finished she held the picture up for the audience to see as a stagehand placed a brand new canvas on the easel and placed a palate of paint on the desk for her.

"Now then, where is my model?"

_Offstage…_

"You're up Roxas," Xemnas said as he grabbed the zipper of Roxas' cloak.

Roxas smacked the Superior's hand away. "I said I'd stand out there for her, but I am not taking my clothes off on television!"

"How are we going to branch out and reach our teenage audience? Girls love you, boy. And you never had a problem taking your shirt off for _other girls_." Xemnas grabbed at the zipper and yanked it down. Underneath his cloak, Roxas wore a black shirt and pants. "You wear clothes under your cloak?"

"_You don't?_"

"Don't try to change the subject!" Xemnas roared. "Take your shirt off and get out there!" He gave Roxas a shove, Roxas stumbled on stage—his cheeks pink not from embarrassment, but anger.

"I can't wait to lite the fuse on those-" He muttered.

Namine grabbed his hand, stood on her tip-toes and kissed his cheek. "My handsome assistant, Roxas!" She lifted his hand and the crowd cheered. "Okay, Roxas just stand here and I'll paint you."

"Yeah, yeah, just be quick. I have a place to be." He muttered and then smiled when she winked at him. _Oh yeah, I'm getting a big reward when this is over—wait no! Stay focused Roxas, remember the plan! Light fireworks; grab Namine, free fan girls._

Namine was a pretty fast painter, so when she finished she lifted the painting up for everyone to see, it was greeted with thunderous applause and fan girl squeals. Namine turned and showed it off to him. Roxas smiled.

"Good job, baby." Roxas said as he put his arm around her shoulder and led her off stage.

Xemnas snatched the painting out of Namine's hands and admired it. "This is going right in the den where everyone can see it!"

"Oh goody," Roxas murmured.

Xemnas gave the painting back to Namine and grabbed Vexen by the shoulder. "You're up, Number Four. Break a leg!"

Vexen went on stage, Demyx following after him.

"It's time for _Mad Science with Dr. Vexen and his Assistant Demyx_!" Xemnas shouted into the microphone.

The stage had been transformed into a dark and dank looking science lab. Vexen grabbed a white lab coat from off a wooden chair behind his desk. "Today, I am going to show you how to make an elixir that will render the drinker your mindless slave."

Demyx tapped Vexen on the shoulder. Vexen turned, looking irritated. "What?"

"Superior said you couldn't do that." Demyx whispered.

"But the other idea is a mockery of my talents!"

"But Superior said-"

"I_ know_ what he said!" Vexen growled. "Why don't we just rename this segment _Harmless Cooking with Vexen and his Idiotic Kitchen Aide_?"

Annoyed, Xemnas spoke into a microphone from off stage. "Enough of this arguing, Number Four! Make the approved concoction so we can move on with the show!"

Vexen sighed. "Very well. Today I am going to show you how to make sea-salt ice cream by use of liquid nitrogen, won't that be _fun_? What's that audience? You'd rather learn how to create a mindless slave? Well too bad, the director says you can't. If you would like to leave a complaint please contact the director at-"

"Enough of this nonsense Number Four! Get off the stage this instant!"

"But-"

"I said off!" Xemnas marched on stage, grabbed Vexen by the hood of his cloak and pulled him off stage. "Number Nine show the audience how to make sea-salt ice cream!"

Demyx looked at the camera and shrugged. "I don't know how, so I'll sing instead."

Demyx called forth his sitar and began strumming out a random tune. "_Ooooooh, I scream for ice cream and you scream for ice cream, and we scream for ice cream together! Love is like a push-up pop, you're always hopin' it will never stop—we make the perfect combo—like chocolate fudge and sweet vanilla! Ooooooh, the way might be rocky road but we're as smooth as pistachio—sweet and cool like mint-chip and perfect like sea-salt ice cream—I scream for ice cream and you scream for ice cream and we scream for ice cream! Yeah!" _

The song ended with thunderous applause. Even the other Nobodies were impressed with Demyx's improvisation. Demyx bowed and headed off stage.

The lights went down and then came back up showing off a small, brightly painted plastic playhouse. A sign about the small front door read; _"The Hackneyed House: Punniest Place on Earth."_

Saix stuck his head through the front window and Axel peaked out through the window on the right side wall.

"Say Axel, do you know what holds up the moon?"

"No." Axel grumbled, bored out of his mind.

"Moonbeams!"

Axel rolled his eyes and the two slammed the windows shut. Next, Xigbar opened the front door and looked at Saix, who was back at the front window. "Hey Saix, what do they call a clock on the moon?"

"A _Lunar_tick." He chuckled and they disappeared.

Luxord and Lexaeus popped out the left and right side windows. "You know Lexaeus, I came across the most peculiar thing the other day."

"What?"

"An evil chicken, she'd laid some deviled eggs…hm…that was a lot funnier on paper." They closed the windows.

Xemnas and Zexion appeared next.

"Zexion, why did the book join the police force?"

"I don't know. Why did the book join the police force?" Zexion didn't sound very excited.

"He wanted to work undercover!" Xemnas laughed gleefully.

Roxas and Xaldin were next.

"I'm not saying it." Roxas growled. "Hey! Don't kick me!" Roxas ducked back in and punched Xigbar in the face.

Xemnas was trying his best to whisper, but everyone could still hear him. "Number Thirteen, get up there and say your joke or I shall reveal a certain _secret_ to a certain _someone_!"

"Are you blackmailing me?" Roxas growled.

"Well I'm not red-mailing you now am I? Say your line!"

"All right fine, jeez." Roxas stuck his head back through the window. "Xaldin, why was Marluxia running around his bed last night?" He sighed.

Xaldin cleared his throat then reached into the folds of his pink cloak and pulled out his script. His lips moved as he read through the scene trying to find his line.

"For Kingdom Hearts sake, man! Did you even read the script?!" Xemnas' voice shook the playhouse.

"You've made me lose my place." Xaldin grumbled.

Roxas pressed his forehead against the playhouse wall and released an exasperated sigh. Moments passed and Roxas' finally lost his patience. "Oh my Heart, Xaldin! Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!" Angrily, Roxas climbed out the small window and marched off stage. "I can't wait for this damn show to end!"

"Number Thirteen, language!" Xemnas shouted from the opened window.

"Screw you, your language, and this show!"

Xemnas tried to climb out the window after Roxas but only managed to get himself stuck. "Cut to commercials! _Cut to commercials!_"

* * *

As the commercials played, the Nobodies congregated back stage. Everyone was looking pretty irritated from being cramped in that small playhouse.

"Okay team," Xemnas said. "This is the final stretch, we're almost done. Don't give up on me now!"

"Too late!" Roxas shouted, Demyx had managed to annoy….er…convince him to leave his dressing room.

"Number Thirteen, your sour attitude is ruining this for everyone, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all!" Xemnas roared. "Now then, this is the finishing song; you and Demyx will be playing with the band, him on sitar and you on vocals. Do you think you can handle that?"

Roxas scowled. "Yeah."

"And Axel, you will be on tambourine."

"What?!" Both Axel and Roxas screamed.

"No way I'm playing some girly tambourine!" Axel shouted.

"Axel can't play!" Roxas said, thinking of their _grand finale. _He needed Axel to lite the fuse.

"It's a tambourine, I'm sure even Axel can handle it." Xemnas said.

Roxas and Axel met eyes. They would have to lie their way out of this. Roxas said; "Okay, the truth is, I can't sing when Axel is in the room." It was an embarrassing lie, but a necessary one.

_"What?"_ The other Nobodies said in unison.

"It's true Superior," Axel affirmed. "Roxas gets all choked up when I see him singing. It's weird."

"I'll say," Xigbar laughed. "If I didn't know any better-" Roxas punched him giving him another bruise to match the one over his good-eye.

"Number Thirteen, are you telling me that you are incapable of singing when Axel is near you? Are you afraid he'll judge you?"

Axel nodded. "That has to be it; I'm super judgmental you know, a real Simon Cowell. Kingdom Hearts Roxas, your hair is ridiculous! See, Superior, I can't help it, it's like a curse!"

Xemnas didn't look like he was buying it, but he shrugged. "Very well, Marluxia, you play tambourine."

Marluxia jumped for joy.

"Get into position everyone," Xemnas said. "Quickly now!"

The lights went up and Xemnas stood on stage, a microphone in hand. "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you all know, we end our shows with-"

"They can't _know_, Superior, this is our pilot episode."

Xemnas glared at Roxas, who was hanging back on stage left, a microphone stand beside him. "As I was saying, we like to end our shows with a little musical number. Take it away, Roxas."

Roxas grabbed the microphone off the stand. "Hey, my name is Roxas and we are-" He turned around to see what was written on the drum set. He sighed, written on the bass drum was _Roxas and the Noboys!_ "Well, we're supposed to be Roxas and the _Nobodies, _but _Demyx,"_ he shot a glance in Number Nine's direction. "Has the spelling abilities of a three-year-old."

Demyx shrugged and said, "I told them they were sending the wrong guy."

Roxas sighed again. "Anyway, the sooner I finish this song, the sooner the show is over. One-two-three-four!"

_Meanwhile…_

Axel gently placed the three rockets under the audience seating. He chuckled as Roxas began singing—the time was nearing.

_Also meanwhile…_

Saix had never thought he'd ever need a bathroom as much as he needed one now. He'd been looking for one for a while, but all the rooms were unmarked and he ended up finding dead ends and storage closets.

He came to the end of the hallway and opened the final door, but instead of a bathroom, Saix found himself buried under ten bound and gagged fan girls turned dancing ladies. They all squealed (including Saix) and tried to get up but the girls were stuck in their bonds until someone came along and untied them.

The good news was Saix didn't need a bathroom anymore.

_On Stage…_

The final notes of Roxas' song echoed through the studio. Xemnas came back on stage and smiled. "Well, that's all-" but before he could finish, a huge explosion rocked the studio, the audience screamed as bright flashes of light and multicolored sparks filled the air. Someone or something screamed.

The fireworks were fulfilling their intended purpose—destroying _The Organization XIII Variety Show!_

Xemnas watched helplessly as all his hard work was set aflame, lights came crashing down, the set was ruined, the audience was sure to never return again after this.

It was chaos…Total. Utter. Chaos_._

* * *

When the flames were put out and everything had calmed down, the police took statements from the audience, the nobodies, and the fan girls. After a brief interrogation with Axel and Roxas—who denied everything— they were allowed to return home because. They weren't charged with anything because the fan girls' statements were deemed inconsistent, unreliable, and utter BS. Who would believe a fan girl anyway?

Larxene, who had been slightly singed by the fireworks but not harmed, laughed all the way home about Xemnas' show "literally blowing up in his face!" She was glad she'd gone to the show; it was worth every singed hair and blister.

Roxas and Axel were pretty pleased with themselves; they'd managed to ruin the show and NOT get caught for it.

Everyone but Demyx and Xemnas were completely indifferent to the destruction. It was one less thing they had to do.

Demyx sat forlorn; he would never be a TV star. But he was mostly upset that Roxas and Axel had left him out of their secret plan.

Xemnas, who was driving more wildly than usual, was at a crossroad between anger and sadness. Part of him wanted to head to his office, draw Kingdom Hearts, and cry. The other half wanted to throw Axel and Roxas out the bus window in hopes that another car would come along and run over them.

But he controlled himself. Just barely…

* * *

**This Disclaimer is a Disclaimer...And a list of shows parodied:**

**The Brady Bunch Hour:** 1976-1977

**The Brady Bunch, theme song: **1963-1974

**Tales from the Darkside:** 1983-1988

**All That! ****_Vital Information for your Everyday Lives sketch_****:** 1994-2005

**Hee Haw! ****_Corn Field sketch: _**1969-1993

**Whose Line is it Anyway? ****_Scenes from a hat sketch:_**1998-2004

**Oprah: **1986-2011

* * *

Ammy: What's with all of the anonymous reviews we've been getting? You guys feeling insecure?

Terin: Lets not pressure them Ammy, unless we're pressuring them to review.

Sora: Yeah, don't forget to review people!

Terin: Thank you, Sora, for your input.

All: Please review!


End file.
